I treat the internet as if it were a person. Because if it actually were a person, the internet would be my Uncle Charlie, who has been medically diagnosed as an "idiot" but unfortunately controls much of the Humphrey fortune—so I pretend to be nice to him. Let's continue the analogy: Uncle Charlie the internet is made up of billions of people (like cells in the human body), except each "cell" is fundamentally fawked in the head. That's why Uncle Charlie the internet is a monstrosity that does and says terrible things—when it's not obsessing over cute otter videos. Uncle Charlie should not exist, and if I could, I would murder it... but? I have an inheritance to consider.
Anyway, for the past couple weeks, stupid Uncle Charlie has been poop-talking one of my new favorite shows, HBO's Girls (Sundays, 10:30 pm). Created by filmmaker/actress Lena Dunham, Girls is about four young women trying to make it in NYC—and before you utter another syllable, it is the ANTITHESIS of Sex and the City. While Sex was purportedly about the bonds of sisterhood, it was about as realistic as Sarah Jessica Parker's nose.
On the other hand, Girls has the balls (sorry) to portray the lives of mid-twentysomethings in a much more realistic manner. Dunham's character Hannah is brilliant yet self-obsessed, petty, and most of all, hilariously LAZY. Her best friend Marnie (played by NBC's Brian Williams' daughter Allison) is driven to success but is also an uptight, controlling FREAK. Along for the ride are thoughtless globetrotting chain-smoker Jessa (Jemima Kirke) and wildly insecure virgin Shoshanna (Zosia Mamet). Thoroughly unlikeable people, yes? And yet? I LOVE THEM ALL.
I'm naturally suspicious of shows that bend over backward to make their characters likeable (oh, hello any CBS comedy from the last 30 years). It's far better—in my book—to be relatable, and that's where Girls excels. It's perfectly normal to be an awful, narcissistic, thoughtless little b-hole when you're 24 years old. I sure as hell was. (And sure as hell still am.)
And yet? Uncle Charlie the internet apparently hates Girls and has brought the show up on a number of criminal charges, including being antifeminist (because it's a 30-minute comedy's job to accomplish what Gloria Steinem did in a lifetime), pretending to be the "voice of its generation" (its four main characters may be pee-holes, but only an actual pee-hole would think the show is singling them out), and nepotism (I don't care if these actresses are the children of famous people... does Brian Williams care if his daughter is a TV pee-hole?).
Uncle Charlie the internet? Shut your idiot mouth. If you're really concerned about feminism, the voice of your generation, and nepotism, then donate money to Planned Parenthood, write a Catcher in the Rye sequel (called Catcher in the Rye? I Don't Even Know Her in the Rye!), and don't vote for Hillary Clinton in 2016. Stop picking on the hilarious, smartly written stuff, and turn your attention to Keeping Up With the Kardashians.
All that being said, I'd still like my inheritance, and will happily massage your bunions.
THURSDAY, MAY 10
9:00 NBC THE OFFICE
Season finale! Dwight offers free family portraits to the staff. (Ahem.) IT'S A TRAP!!
9:30 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION
Season finale! It's election day, Leslie is running neck-and-neck in the polls, and they're gonna hand us a cliffhanger, aren't they?
FRIDAY, MAY 11
8:00 FOX FRINGE
Season finale! The team must stop a cataclysmic event that threatens life on Earth... you know, the yoozsh.
10:00 USA COMMON LAW
Debut! A bickering detective team consults a couples counselor to work out their differences while pursuing crooks!
SATURDAY, MAY 12
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Hosted by Will Ferrell (YAY!) with musical guest Usher (YAY!).
SUNDAY, MAY 13
9:00 PBS SHERLOCK
Holmes investigates mutant dog attacks (my favorite kind) in "The Hounds of Baskerville."
10:00 AMC MAD MEN
After discovering that his actions may have endangered the firm, Don goes into super competitive mode.
MONDAY, MAY 14
8:00 NBC AMERICA'S GOT TALENT
Season premiere! Featuring new judge Howard Stern, who will either make this show less or more boring.
8:00 CBS HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
Season finale! Lily goes into labor while Marshall whoops it up in Atlantic City, because... of course.
TUESDAY, MAY 15
8:00 FOX GLEE
A two-hour episode in which the kids go to Nationals, and Lindsay Lohan is a judge. I don't think I can bear that.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 16
10:00 ABC REVENGE
Charlotte plans on getting even with Declan, by using her vagina full of... REVENGE!!
10:00 TLC TODDLERS & TIARAS
This week's toddler pageant features an "around the world" theme. Racism? I think that's your cue.