Dear entire state of North Carolina: Please forward the following message to your customer service department... because I have a bone to pick with you! In the past, I've excluded you from my vicious rants about hillbillies, largely because—even though you're squarely in the South—Clay Aiken was born there. However, there aren't enough Clay Aikens in the world to make me forgive your recent vote in favor of Amendment One, which puts a statewide ban on same-sex marriages, partnerships, and civil unions.
This was dumb. Why? Because first of all, you were already banning those things. So going out of your way to make an actual law is just rude. Secondly, your state still allows people to marry their first cousins. I know, I know... if you were to ban those marriages, half the state would be forced to marry their sister or something. Thirdly, this decision doesn't do a whole lot for your reputation. In the past, we thought of you like characters from The Andy Griffith Show: quaint, polite small-town folk with strong moral values who, in general, minded their own goddamn business. Now, thanks to your recent (and redundant) vote, this is how the majority of America sees you:
(Ahem.) "MAW!! Git me mah squirrel rifle and that thar jug-a-moonshine! Them gol-dang Hollywood Jew queers are a-gonna force me to jump the broom [translation: enter into wedlock] with other men-folk! And I ain't never gonna have no kinda sexual coitus intercourse with no other man!! Unless of course under the following extenuatin' circumstances: (1) He's mah cousin, (2) he's a fat salesman on a canoein' trip who's got a purty mouth and squeals like a pig, and (c) ah'm HORRRR-NAY! Yeeee-haw!! Pew! Pew! Pew! [Translation: Shooting rifle in the air.] And while I might shove mah goober into his bottom-hole, I shore ain't gon' marry him! 'Cuz marriage is only 'tween one man and one woman—preferably a first cousin or niece."
And fourthly, North Carolina, if you're so keen on taking things away from people, then maybe we should take a few things away from you: such as your fast food restaurants. (Like same-sex marriage, that stuff's bad for you!) Or take away the churches that steal your money, and encourage you and your fellow hillbillies to naïvely accept a book of fairy tales as the gospel truth. Or... oh, the hell with it! Let's just take away your TV. Which is a shame, because you're gonna miss all the great season finales this week! Such as...
30 Rock (NBC, Thurs May 17, 8:30 pm). Liz is torn when she's asked to officiate Jack and Avery's vow renewal. ACKK! So much worse than same-sex marriage!
The Simpsons (FOX, Sun May 20, 8 pm). Special guest star Lady Gaga helps Lisa be proud that she was "Born This Way." (Not gay... yellow. And with just four digits.)
Modern Family (ABC, Wed May 23, 9 pm). While trying to adopt a baby from North Carolina, Mitch and Cam are horrified to discover the infant is inbred. (But look on the bright side—there's only a 10 percent chance it'll turn out gay!)
THURSDAY, MAY 17
8:00 NBC COMMUNITY
Pierce fights for his inheritance, and the gang offers to pitch in, even though they clearly hate him.
9:00 NBC COMMUNITY
Season finale! What?? Another new episode? Followed by the season finale? I'm happy, and smell shenanigans!
FRIDAY, MAY 18
9:00 NBC GRIMM
Season finale! The body count inches up, as does Nick's impatience, during his search for a serial killing monster.
9:30 DIS TRON: UPRISING, BECK'S BEGINNING
Debut! A new Tron series, about a hero's quest to recapture the grid via wicked awesome light-cycle races.
SATURDAY, MAY 19
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Season finale! Host: Mick Jagger! Musical guest: Mick Jagger! Moves like: Mick Jagger!
SUNDAY, MAY 20
9:00 PBS SHERLOCK
Season finale! Don't miss "The Reichenbach Fall," where Sherlock, Moriarty, and the second season end with a "ker-sploosh!"
10:30 HBO GIRLS
Hannah visits her stingy parents who STILL refuse to support her bohemian, jobless NYC lifestyle! JERKS!!
MONDAY, MAY 21
8:00 FOX HOUSE
Series finale! The final two-hour episode titled, "Everybody Dies." Yesssssssss.
10:00 TLC I CLONED MY PET
Because... I Cloned My Pet.
TUESDAY, MAY 22
8:00 FOX GLEE
Season finale! It's graduation, which means it's time for the kids to reflect on high school and how terrible this show has gotten.
11:00 MTV2 HIP HOP SQUARES
Debut! It's the Hollywood Squares... with rap stars. This is the most brilliant idea ever conceived.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 23
8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL
Season finale! Another nobody will be crowned "Momentary somebody, who will quickly be forgotten by tomorrow noon."
10:00 ABC REVENGE
Season finale! Emily's plan for REVENGE!! is interrupted by someone else's plan for REVENGE!!