Memorial Day! The official holiday for "remembering things," as originally created by the Hallmark greeting card company back in 1965. Now, I love Memorial Day because (a) it reminds me to remember to take a day off from work and (b) it's the only holiday designed to celebrate a function of the brain. Does the liver get a holiday? MINE CERTAINLY DOESN'T! HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!
Goddamnit, I need to remember to get my own comedy show.
Anyway! From what I understand, there's a small number of people who want to use this holiday solely to remember war veterans. Hey, that's okay! They can do that. However, I have to say that's a pretty narrow viewpoint—and don't we already have a holiday where we remember veterans? What's it called again? Oh, yeah! VETERANS DAY. But whatever—this is America, and if you're forgetful enough to need a holiday that remembers veterans twice, then it's no skin off my tooter.
That's why I'm spending this coming Memorial Day my way, and remembering things that are actually worth remembering, such as: (a) Paying child support! (b) Getting my prostate examined—by a DOCTOR, dirty bird! (c) Putting out the garbage on Tuesdays! And (d) remembering that my boss is paying me to write about television, rather than child support payments, prostate exams, or putting out garbage.
Anyway, THAT'S why I think we should take a moment to remember and pay homage to a few of the TV shows that did their best to entertain us during the 2011–2012 season but were unceremoniously killed in action (i.e., CANCELED).
Rob (CBS): Though former SNL star Rob Schneider's family sitcom Rob lived for only one season, it's often said that "the brightest stars burn the shortest." I have no idea if that's true. Sounds like bullshit, actually. But I'm not interested enough to look it up. Bon voyage, Rob.
The Playboy Club (NBC): One of the most talked-about shows of the 2011 season died a gruesome, early death after only three episodes. The Playboy Club will be remembered for... umm... I think I remember boobs.
Luck (HBO): This high-profile horse-racing drama starring Dustin Hoffman got sent to the glue factory after three horses died while the show was in production. It also didn't help that the show was slow-moving and terrible. Sooooo... sorry, horses?
Charlie's Angels (ABC): Mercifully put down after eight astonishingly bad episodes, this violent, not-sexy-enough remake of the '70s smash was originally predicted to be one of the hottest shows of the year. NOT BY ME, OF COURSE. (Ahem. Change the subject...) Hey, look! Is that a flying hamburger?
Are You There, Chelsea? (NBC): Based on the life of shrill talk-show harpy Chelsea Handler (who made things worse by costarring), Are You There, Chelsea? made it an entire season before it was eventually convicted of being "Involuntarily BOOOOORING!" and executed in the state of Texas by lethal injection.
THURSDAY, MAY 24
8:00 ABC DUETS
Debut! Yet ANOTHER singing competition, this one pairs nobodies with somebodies (such as Kelly Clarkson and John Legend).
8:00 FOX SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE
Season premiere! Does anybody actually watch this show? If you do... here ya go. My contractual obligation is fulfilled.
FRIDAY, MAY 25
9:00 HBO THE RICKY GERVAIS SHOW
What does it mean to be "English"? Find out from Ricky, Stephen, and Karl (who would rather be Italian).
10:00 SYFY INSANE OR INSPIRED?
Tonight featuring the "25 Wildest Homebrewed Superheroes" (and their camel toes).
SATURDAY, MAY 26
5:00 FX UFC 146 PRELIMS
Live from Las Vegas, it's the mixed-martial arts contest for people who probably don't watch much of HBO's Girls.
SUNDAY, MAY 27
10:00 AMC MAD MEN
This episode is titled, "The Other Woman," which I hope means the return of Gilmore Girl Alexis Bledel!
10:30 HBO GIRLS
Hannah attends a Brooklyn hipster party, and (surprise!) things go quite horribly.
MONDAY, MAY 28
9:00 NBC AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR
Americans compete in the INSANELY challenging obstacle course based on the Japanese show!
TUESDAY, MAY 29
8:00 CW THE CATALINA
Debut! A new reality show about the staff and shenanigans at a fancy Miami hotel.
8:00 ABC COUGAR TOWN
Season finale! The funniest show with the most terrible title ever ends its season, before moving to TBS.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 30
8:00 CBS DOGS IN THE CITY
Debut! Another one of those "dog whisperers" advises unruly city pooches and their owners.
9:00 CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL
Season finale! Panic attacks during the CoverGirl shoot, and a "hologram" final runway?? SIGN ME UP!!