Jeremy Eaton

There are three great inventions of the modern era: (1) Totino's pizza rolls. (2) Corporate sponsorship of crappy television columns [Thanks again, Totino's pizza roll company!], and 3)... the internet! Now, I'm old enough to remember the dark days of humanity before the internet was born. For example, if I needed to publish a "fact," I'd either make it up, or go to the library. (HA! Right. "The library.") If I wanted porn, I'd rent it from a skeezy adult shop, and suffer through several minutes of boring exposition (usually involving pizza deliveries, suspicious job interviews, or a weekend lesbian getaway) before the banging would finally commence. And before the internet, there wasn't a public forum for videos involving hilarious and crippling trampoline accidents.

HOWEVER! Now that the internet's here, I get what I want, when I want it. Example: Imagine I'm interested in hearing what a totally boring person had for lunch today. Hello, Twitter! Or perhaps I need an annoying high school acquaintance to stalk me. Hello, Facebook! (By the way, that's the last time I buy 500 shares of you.)

And let's say I'm a TV columnist forced to watch every single new fall show (even the terrible ones) and offer my thoughtful opinion. Well! Now the networks are releasing easy-to-review-and-ridicule trailers for their new shows on the internet, thereby allowing me to rate and deliver final judgment without even watching a full episode! That means I now have all the time in the world to pursue loftier goals. (Hello again Totino's pizza rolls and porn!)

Anyhoo. What follows are a few reviews of this fall's new TV show trailers—each accompanied by its own nonsensical and unfair rating system. YOU'RE WELCOME, NETWORKS!

THE FOLLOWING (FOX)—Here's a new serial killer/cop show starring Kevin Bacon—but instead of everybody cuttin' Footloose, somebody's cuttin' up young women! (I wish that joke had gone better.) Bacon is a retired FBI agent who's lured back into the biz after a convicted serial killer decides to pick up where he left off—and by "pick up," I mean pick up a knife, slashity-slash-slash! (God. My humor's bleak today.) Anyway:  I give this show three clumsily amputated thumbs waaaay up.

THE MINDY PROJECT (FOX)—Mindy Kaling (The Office) created and stars in this no-laugh-track-thank-god sitcom about a lady gynecologist that was originally titled It's Messy—before they realized that's sort of inappropriate. Anyway, it's chockablock full of smart, snappy lines, has lots of great guest stars, and if you're a dude you may hate it. But your girlfriend's gonna love it! That's why I'm giving it five speculums waaaay up.

ELEMENTARY (CBS)—Here's my impersonation of a CBS network executive: "DURRRRR... Hey! The BBC network over in London, France, had a hit with their reboot of Sherlock—so let's do the same thing! Except different, so they can't sue us." Hello, Elementary—starring a modern NYC Sherlock Holmes and former Charlie's Angel Lucy Liu as Watson. I give this three donkey plops waaaay down. In fact, I'm going to airlift the donkeys over the CBS studios so it'll be easier to donkey plop them. (Be sure to follow the donkeys on Twitter! @CBSdonkeyplop.)

THURSDAY, MAY 31

8:00 CW BREAKING POINTE

Debut! A new reality series that goes behind the scenes of a ballet troupe... because CW viewers just love ballet. (!?)

10:00 HIS MOUNTAIN MEN

Debut! Outdoorsmen who live and survive in the mountains. Yeee-haw! Maw! Git me mah squirrel rifle!

FRIDAY, JUNE 1

8:00 HIS NATIONAL HISTORY BEE

Like a spelling bee, except with actual "facts" (not made up ones like you'll find in this column).

8:30 NBC BEST FRIENDS FOREVER

Season finale! The gang goes to Atlantic City for a gaming convention, causing the girls' eyes to roll out of their heads.

SATURDAY, JUNE 2

10:00 G4 AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR

Honkies compete in the most insane-iest Japanese obstacle course ever!

SUNDAY, JUNE 3

9:00 HBO GAME OF THRONES

Season finale! Little people with hairy feet try to recover a magical ring with the help of a wizard. Wait... is that right?

9:00 MTV 2012 MTV MOVIE AWARDS

Comedian Russell Brand hosts this award ceremony for The Hunger Games... and perhaps a few more films.

MONDAY, JUNE 4

8:00 ABC THE BACHELORETTE

Emily escorts her 13 boyfriends to Bermuda, where there should really be laws against something like this.

TUESDAY, JUNE 5

4:00 G4 E3 2012 LIVE

It's live coverage from LA's Electronic Entertainment Expo. Videogame nerdgasm!

9:00 ABC CONCERT FOR THE QUEEN

Elton John, Stevie Wonder, Tom Jones and more perform for the queen (Elizabeth, not RuPaul).

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 6

9:00 USA ROYAL PAINS

Season premiere! Hank treats a competitive eater, and ends up hogging the barf bags.

10:00 DSC FAST 'N' LOUD

Debut! Abandoned old junkers are fixed up and used to scare old people in this new hot rod series!