YAY!! Summer is here! And that means two things: (1) There's an anus-load of new TV shows to watch, and (2) my thong finally gets to emerge from hibernation! (Naturally, number two is far more important than number one, which is why I'll spend the bulk of this column talking about number two.)
Oh, thong, how I've missed you! You must've been so lonely crammed in that dark, musty corner of my underpants drawer for lo, so many months. But now? Free at last, free at last, thank god it's summer, you're free at last!
Now I'm going to give you what you want, thong! I'm gonna strip off all my clothes, and—using vice grips, a spatula, and three bottles of lube—shove my ample honey-baked ham deep inside of you. Ohhhhh, yeah. You like that, don't you, thong? Now let's look in the mirror... turn around, that's right... yesssssss. Looks like two bulldogs fighting inside a tiny weather balloon. Are you ready to go outside and show the world what we're made of, thong? Me, too. But first? I need to rub my body down with olive oil. Ohhhhh, yeah. I'm glistening like a sweaty hot dog. Hmmm... am I forgetting anything? RIGHT! My "stunna shades," in-line skates, and boombox. OH! And a few suggestions of new summer TV shows for the rest of you to watch while my thong and I are outside making the world a much more beautiful place. For example:
The Choice (Fox, debuts Thurs June 7, 9 pm): Because celebrities have such a hard time getting dates (poor things), this new reality competition gives female nobodies the chance to hook up with such has-beens as Dean Cain (Lois & Clark), Joe Jonas (Jonas Brothers), and the Situation (Jersey Shore), while giving the celebs another shot at catching the herp. Good luck, guys!
Comedy Bang! Bang! (IFC, debuts Fri June 8, 10 pm): I command you to watch this hilarious new late-night talk-show parody—that's actually funny—based on host Scott Aukerman's podcast, and costarring bandleader Reggie Watts. Jam-crammed with celebrity guests, skits, and all-out weirdness, Comedy Bang! Bang! will make you want to punch Jay Leno's stupid fat face—which I may do in any case. WATCH THIS!!!
Redneck Island (CMT, debuts Sat June 9, 10 pm): This is pretty self-explanatory... a bunch of beer-drinkin', tooth-missin', hyuck-hyuckin' hillbillies are dropped alone on a deserted island to see if they can survive without their usual necessities—which is, of course, chawin' tobaccy and having sex with pigs.
Dallas (TNT, debuts Wed June 13, 9 pm): Perhaps the most popular nighttime soap of all time (sorry, Melrose Place!) returns... but this isn't a reboot! It's more like a continuation, as original Dallas cast members Patrick Duffy (Bobby Ewing), Linda Gray (Sue Ellen Ewing), and the supernaturally animated decaying corpse of Larry Hagman (J.R. Ewing) are paired up with young hotties portraying their kids—and they're still bickering over the family's oil fortune. Making a special guest appearance? My thong! (Trust me, it takes a lot of oil for me slip into this thing.)
THURSDAY, JUNE 7
8:00 FOX TAKE ME OUT
Debut! GAG! Another dating reality show?? And hosted by... GAAAGGGG!! George Lopez?? GAAAGGGG!!
9:00 NBC SAVING HOPE
Debut! The comatose ghost of a douchebag surgeon haunts/helps the residents of a hospital. Will be cancelled in three... two... one...
FRIDAY, JUNE 8
10:30 IFC BUNK
Debut! Comedians compete against each other in this game show that isn't as funny as Comedy Bang! Bang!, which you should be watching.
11:30 COM THE HALF HOUR
Featuring the adorable musical comedy stylings of Garfunkel and Oates!
SATURDAY, JUNE 9
9:00 SYFY JERSEY SHORE SHARK ATTACK—Movie
(2012) Sharks eat almost all of the casts of Jersey Shore and The Sopranos. Any questions?
SUNDAY, JUNE 10
9:00 HBO TRUE BLOOD
Season premiere! Sookie and Lafayette would love to grieve over Tara, but first? What about Debbie's blood?
10:00 AMC MAD MEN
Season finale! After the firm's creepy run-in with Jaguar, things are looking up—except for creepy Pete.
MONDAY, JUNE 11
9:00 FAM BUNHEADS
Season premiere! A Vegas dancer helps out her mom-in-law's ballet studio; Gilmore Girls-style antics ensue.
TUESDAY, JUNE 12
9:30 ABC JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE! GAME NIGHT
A good chance for you sleepyheads to catch Kimmel in this special that follows the NBA finals.
10:00 SPIKE WORLD'S WORST TENANTS
Debut! Professional evictors kick out tenants in what will surely be the most morally repugnant series of the summer.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 13
9:00 TNT DALLAS
Debut! A continuation of the 1978 classic, in which the rotting corpse of J.R. interrupts an Ewing wedding!
9:30 ABC DUETS
Tonight celebs team up with nobodies to sing "party songs"—which makes me want to outlaw parties forever.