Hoooo-RAH! The greatest holiday of the year—Fourth of July—is right around the corner, and I'm happier than a dingo with a fat Australian baby in his mouth. I love Fourth of July because it contains all my favorite things: explosives, binge eating, binge drinking, and binge porking. And it has absolutely nothing to do with that holiday hog, Jesus. The Fourth of July is all about KICKING ASS—whether it's kicking the asses of those dandy British fops during the Revolutionary War or kicking the ass of Ronny Schlamicker, who very unwisely tried to baloney-block me with Shirley Roundtree at Camp Wannawee's July 4 Big Bang Extravaganza of 1983! (Note to Ronny: All is forgiven, and you should drop by for dinner—that is, if you're no longer eating from a tube.)
Goddammit, I love America! And this year I'm proving it by (1) eating an entire barbecued pig, (2) drinking a keg of the cheapest beer Brewski Outlet has to offer, (3) exploding 900 pounds of illegal fireworks, (4) calling 911 for various reasons, and (5) porking whatever ass Ronny Schlamicker is currently porking. EVEN IF IT'S HIS OWN ASS!
Oh, and I intend to watch a little TV this week, because television's job is to remind us of things America really loves. For example...
Marijuana: America is crazy for those "Mary-Jane ganja cigarettes," because it makes them HIGH and STUPID. It's a scientific fact that Americans only use 10 percent of their brains, when they should actually only be using maybe 2 percent. That's where "sticky-icky doobie-loobies" come in. "Chronic marijuana blunt grass" directly affects the part of the brain that normally stops you from laughing hysterically, eating melted cheese off a paper plate, and answering relatively simple questions in more than five minutes. Oh, and "hash hemp pot" is also the primary topic of Showtime's Weeds, which begins its eighth and final season (Sun July 1, 10 pm). And it hates cancer.
Charlie Sheen: America loooooves Charlie Sheen because he's an unrepentant douchebag whose incessant partying and porn-star porking make me look as innocent as a nun's hymen. And after his well-publicized Two and a Half Men meltdown, Charlie is back in the new FX series Anger Management (debuting Thurs June 28, 9 pm) in which he plays an angry ex–ball player turned anger-management specialist—DO YOU SEE THE IRONY THERE?—who treats angry people, while working on his own anger. America loves anger. That's why we blow things up with fireworks. For example, Ronny Schlamicker's last three garden gnomes.
Fireworks: Have I mentioned that America loves fireworks? That's because they metaphorically symbolize us sticking a Roman candle up the fanny of King George—which is both hilarious and disturbing. I mean, that would really hurt. But maybe having an exploded, burned anus taught him a valuable lesson about taxation without representation. Hmm... I'll think about that while watching Macy's Fourth of July Fireworks Spectacular (NBC, Wed July 4, 9 pm). And as those bombs burst in midair, I'll be imagining them bursting inside King Ronny's anus.
Did I say King Ronny? I meant King George. Whoo! Time to lay off the "Maui Wowie reefer spliff"!
THURSDAY, JUNE 28
10:30 FX LOUIE
Season premiere! Yahoo! Louie C.K. is back, and he's having an absolutely terrible day. Yahoo!
11:00 FX BRAND X WITH RUSSELL BRAND
Debut! Comedian/hairy person Russell Brand offers his take on current events (that we didn't ask for).
FRIDAY, JUNE 29
9:00 NBC OLYMPIC GYMNASTICS TRIALS
Live coverage of hormonally stunted gymnasts trying out for the Olympics. NO PRESSURE.
10:00 IFC COMEDY BANG! BANG!
Michael Cera drops by to see if he can make this show any more hilariously awkward.
SATURDAY, JUNE 30
9:00 SYFY BIGFOOT
A DJ (Partridge Family's Danny Bonaduce) and a conservationist (Brady Bunch's Barry Williams) team up to kill Bigfoot (hopefully played by Saved by the Bell's Dustin Diamond).
SUNDAY, JULY 1
10:00 HBO THE NEWSROOM
Mackenzie takes charge of the revamped News Night—now with 20 percent more Bigfoot stories.
10:00 SHO WEEDS
Season premiere! Ouch! Somebody got shot! But which dope huffer pulled the trigger?
MONDAY, JULY 2
11:00 SHO WEB THERAPY
Season premiere! Fiona sends her kid to "Sexual Reorientation Camp"—which, weirdly, doesn't work so well!
TUESDAY, JULY 3
8:00 PBS MICHAEL WOOD'S STORY OF ENGLAND
A recounting of the history of England, including King George dealing with anal singeing.
10:00 LIF BRISTOL PALIN: LIFE'S A TRIPP
Bristol attends a book signing in which she's heckled for being a judgmental, terrible person. (Is it "heckling" if it's true?)
WEDNESDAY, JULY 4
8:00 FOX NEW GIRL MARATHON
Four back-to-back episodes of the year's best network sitcom!
10:00 CBS BOSTON POPS FIREWORKS SPECTACULAR
Ka-BOOOOOM! (BTW, do they make prosthetic fingers?)