I Love Television™ 

Hire a Ninja

Craigslist does not have a "ninja wanted" section. DID YOU KNOW THIS? Now, maybe they don't have this problem in Japan—I don't know, I haven't checked Japan's Craigslist, which I assume is called Takumislist or something—but my point is that thousands of ninja are currently unemployed because we, as a nation, aren't putting these highly skilled laborers to work!

As most employers should know, ninja have a number of remarkable skill sets, such as (a) wicked freaky martial arts moves, (b) awesome weapons such as swords and grappling hooks, and (c) oh, just the power of "invisibility." EVER HEARD OF IT? And if you're an employer who can't somehow make good use of these talents? Then maybe you should pass on the management of your business to someone who isn't an IDIOT.

If I were my boss? I'd hire a ninja to hang out in my office all day. Or take him to meetings to intimidate people. Or spy on my enemies within the company—invisibly. Or borrow his grappling hook on the weekends. Or ask him to make me sushi. (Is that racist?) Or crawl through a tiny hole in my neighbor's office to steal some Sweet'N Low from her desk. Or have him dress up like a turtle on Halloween and eat pizza. Or make him fight ninja from competing newspapers. Or run my Twitter account.

THERE ARE LOTS OF THINGS ONE CAN DO WITH A NINJA!

And yet? Scores of ninja worldwide are wasting away, fruitlessly searching for ways to keep their ninja-skills sharp while valiantly trying to make enough money to feed their ninja kids and keep their nagging ninja wives in bedazzled throwing stars. And as far as I can tell, there's only one venue for ninja who want to strut their ninja stuff AND potentially make money at the same time: NBC's American Ninja Warrior (Mon July 23, 8 pm, and on G4, Tues July 24, 9 pm).

This episode marks the season finale of this insanely addictive reality competition, in which Hunky McHunkster ninja from all over the country attempt to run the most insanely INSANE obstacle course ever devised by sociopathic humankind. Based on Japan's super popular Ninja Warrior show (called Sasuke there), the American competitors must complete the same mind-bendingly difficult course, which includes hopping on 45-degree-inclined triangles to clear a water hazard, running across a slippery/bouncy balance beam, hugging a speeding log that's sliding down a bumpy track, running up the side of a 17-foot-tall concave pipe, swinging across an open space on bed sheets, hopping up a salmon-style ladder using only a long pipe, climbing a veritable mountain-sized net ladder, and (GASP!) pushing a button to signify they're done.

JESUS CHRIST!!! I don't want to ever watch another TV show unless it has ninja in it. For example, The Ninja Shore, Two and a Half Ninja, The View (with Ninja), Keeping Up with the Ninjashians, America's Got Ninja, NCIS (Ninja Criminal Investigative Service)... the list goes on! And I also want ninja serving us food, cutting our hair, pumping our gas, painting our nails, writing our TV columns... okay, shutting up now.

THURSDAY, JULY 19

10:00 LOGO MISFITS

Debut! The British sci-fi series about a gang of X-Men-style teens hits the states.

10:30 FX LOUIE

Louie attempts to get a new girlfriend (that passes the stringent tests of his bitch children).

FRIDAY, JULY 20

10:00 IFC COMEDY BANG! BANG!

In which guest Ed Helms plays the banjo and makes animal noises. (Scoff, but that's entertainment!)

11:00 IFC PORTLANDIA: THE BRUNCH SPECIAL

UGH. Featuring a "director's cut" of the season finale that couldn't be any worse, and a "behind-the-scenes" segment to show us how sketches become unfunny.

SATURDAY, JULY 21

8:00 LIF AN OFFICER AND A MURDERER—Movie

(2012) Gary Cole stars as a murderin' psychopathic military officer, whose love lifts women up where they don't wanna belong.

SUNDAY, JULY 22

8:00 FOX TEEN CHOICE AWARDS

Featuring my old pop crush Justin Bieber and my new (and improved) pop crush Carly Rae Jepsen!

10:00 AMC BREAKING BAD

Walt and Jesse ponder a new business venture. May I suggest a ninja temp service?

MONDAY, JULY 23

8:00 ABC BACHELOR PAD

Season premiere! Rejects from The Bachelor and The Bachelorette compete to see who has the most interesting STDs.

8:00 NBC AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR

Season finale! America's best ninjas go head to head to find out who is the most ninja-iest.

TUESDAY, JULY 24

9:00 E! 15 AWESOMEST BOY BANDS

Why are you looking at me like that? Stop it.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 25

8:00 NBC THE CLIOS: WORLD'S BEST COMMERCIALS

Host JB Smoove introduces the most innovative commercials from around the globe.

9:00 TLC TODDLERS & TIARAS

This week, it's the "Out of This World Pageant," where moms dress their toddlers up like alien whores.

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