UGGGHHNNNHH!!! It's time for the Olympics again?? IT'S ONLY BEEN FOUR YEARS!! Groooooan, the Olympics are, like, the worst... thing... ever! And yes, I'm including: (1) George Zimmerman, (2) rancid cotton candy, (3) mysterious anal pains, (4) nose pimples, (5) visiting relatives, (6) empty pens that are returned to the pen cup, even though I've told that person 1,000 times not to do so, (7) celery, (8) Holocostco—terrible name for a discount store, (9) weenie dogs, and (10) leukemia. Okay... fine... putting an empty pen back in the pen cup is worse than the Olympics. BUT I'M STANDING BEHIND THE REST!
Now, I understand these Olympic games are supposed to represent and celebrate Herculean efforts—but why do they choose dumb stuff? I perform Herculean efforts EVERY SINGLE DAY and does anyone care? Are there 17 days of near-constant TV programming dedicated to my activities? Do underarm deodorants clamor to sponsor me? Are foreign countries shaking their fists and cursing my name? (Yes... because I'm not a very respectful tourist. BUT "NO" TO THOSE OTHER THINGS!)
To prove my point, here are five upcoming televised Olympic events paired with my own corresponding Herculean efforts. YOU decide which is more awesome!
OPENING CEREMONIES (NBC, Fri July 27, 7:30 pm): This is gonna suck because no one will ever top what China did in 2008. And it's based in London, where their idea of "pageantry" is lots of umbrellas, fish 'n' chips, drunks, and mangled teeth.
MY HERCULEAN EFFORT: While I can't top China either, one time I stole a fire truck and raced it around town with eight nude cheerleaders on top tripping on LSD. Beat that, limeys.
MEN'S GYMNASTICS (NBC, Sat July 28, 8 pm): Other than engorging my penis with blood, why does this event exist? So WHAT if you can stand on one hand for 30 minutes, or hop up and down on a trampoline? Check out...
MY HERCULEAN EFFORT: I can drink 20 cans of beer, come in third place in a potato-sack race, and cover the judges' table with vomit! (Which the Millard Fillmore Elementary annual field-day organizers didn't appreciate very much.)
SWIMMING (NBC, Mon July 30, 8 pm): Former Olympic gold-medal winner Michael Phelps will be defending his title against hot-poop swimmer Ryan Lochte in the 200-meter freestyle final.
MY HERCULEAN EFFORT: Former fifth grade spelling bee finalist Wm.™ Steven Humphrey will be boning the hot wife of a Phoenix-area dental hygienist and her Mormon sister—AT THE SAME TIME. (Not sure if the Mormon's married or not.)
CANOEING (NBC, Tues July 31, 10 am): You've GOT to be kidding.
MY HERCULEAN EFFORT: Yesterday I slept for 15 hours. Seriously?? CANOEING??
BEACH VOLLEYBALL (NBC, Wed Aug 1, 8 pm): This is the ONLY Olympic event worth watching, and could only be improved upon with either nudity, superhero costumes, or a ball doused in lighter fluid and set aflame. It's still pretty good though.
MY HERCULEAN EFFORT: I've written nearly 1,000 of these TV columns since I first started back in 1994. And almost 25 percent of them actually had something to do with television. WOOT! Suck it, Olympics!
THURSDAY, JULY 26
8:00 ABC WIPEOUT
A special two-hour Wipeout where couples meet on blind dates and then get humiliated on the obstacle course. Double fun!
10:30 FX LOUIE
Louie goes out on a date, and everything goes perfectly. HAHAHAHAAAAA... right.
FRIDAY, JULY 27
7:30 NBC OLYMPICS OPENING CEREMONY
Pip! Pip! Jolly good show, ol' bean! Tuppence for the birds, guv'nah? (This is going to be TERRIBLE.)
10:00 IFC COMEDY BANG! BANG!
Tonight featuring the sexy/hilarious Elizabeth Banks, acting all hilariously sexy.
SATURDAY, JULY 28
9:00 BBCA THE NERDIST
If you were smart enough to avoid San Diego's Comic-Con this year, here's the Nerdist recap!
SUNDAY, JULY 29
10:00 AMC BREAKING BAD
Walt and Jesse's new plan hits a few stumbling blocks—not the least of which is MURDER.
10:00 HBO THE NEWSROOM
Will learns an important lesson about bullying, and... look, stop watching this show. It's stupid, and a waste of your time.
MONDAY, JULY 30
9:00 HBO ABOUT FACE: SUPERMODELS THEN AND NOW
Supermodels from the past share their experiences and comment on aging in this fascinating documentary.
TUESDAY, JULY 31
10:30 SPIKE RAT BASTARDS
Cajun hunters go after giant rats (actually, nutria) in this new reality show. Hint: Bring cheese!
10:30 COM WORKAHOLICS
Season finale! How Adam, Blake, and Ders met for the very first time.
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 1
8:00 NBC SUMMER OLYMPICS
Tonight: swimming, diving, gymnastics, beach volleyball, masturbation. (That last one is a "home" event.)