Jeremy Eaton

I haven't researched this at all, but to my knowledge there are "four horsemen of the apocalypse," who the Bible claims are scheduled to appear just before the end of the world—and they are as follows:

HORSEMAN #1: Bloomin' Onions at Outback Steakhouse. (OH! I forgot to mention these "horsemen" aren't necessarily "men on horses"—they can be metaphors, too. In this case, a bloomin' onion.) A bloomin' onion is a large onion cut to resemble a flower and then battered and deep-fried. Obviously this is an unnatural evil abomination that deserves to reside on the Outback Steakhouse menu, and has done so since 1988. (OH! Forgot to mention these "horsemen" don't have to arrive at once.)

HORSEMAN #2: Siri. Have you seen that new commercial for the iPhone's "Siri" function starring director Martin Scorsese? IT'S BULL PLOP! Scorsese sits in a cab barking out commands to Siri on his iPhone, and everything he tells her to do? SHE DOES! But whenever I ask Siri anything, all I get is nonsense or back-sass! The other day I asked Siri for info on "downtown traffic." She responded, "I have seven suggestions for downtown restaurants." I shot back, "I didn't ask for restaurants... I want a traffic report!" "I found a number of restaurants," Siri responded. "Twenty-four are fairly close to you." "I WANT TRAFFIC!!!" I yelled. "I found 17 restaurants nearby that serve linguine," Siri said. "YOU ARE USELESS!!!" I screamed. "This is about you," she replied, "not me." SEE?? BACK-SASS!

HORSEMAN #3: Sometimes my pee smells like lime. (OH! Forgot to mention that sometimes a horseman of the apocalypse can also be a particularly pungent stream of urine.) There are only three possible reasons my pee might smell like lime. (1) I've eaten a lot of lime. (2) It's nonexisting God's way of saying, "Hey, buddy! I DO exist and I'm going to destroy the world! HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAA! And I'm going to make your pee smell like lime. Just to freak with your head. HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAA!" (3) I have lupus. I have no idea if "lime-smelling pee" is an actual symptom of lupus—I just think I have lupus. OH! I just thought of a number four reason: (4) Somebody squirted lime-scented cleaner into the urinal at work.

HORSEMAN #4: Honey Boo Boo. Alana, one of the most horrifying child stars of TLC's Toddlers & Tiaras and better known as "Honey Boo Boo" IS GETTING HER OWN SERIES DEBUTING THIS WEEK. Called Here Comes Honey Boo Boo (TLC, Wed Aug 8, 10 pm), the series follows the six-year-old pageant contestant—best known for drinking a combo of Mountain Dew and Red Bull (called "Go-Go Juice") to psych up for competition—and her hillbilly family as they flop into mud holes, jiggle their bellies, and search for "roadkill" as the main course for their evening cookout. This will either be the most terrifying, soul-scarring show you've ever seen, or the greatest thing ever. Either way, it will also be the last show you will ever see—so sayeth the FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE! "I have found six apothecaries in your immediate area." SHUT UP, SIRI!!!

This Week on Television

THURSDAY, AUGUST 2

8:00 NBC SUMMER OLYMPICS

The Olympics continue! More swimming! More gymnastics! More beach volleyball! More masturbation!

10:30 FX LOUIE

A child ruins Louie's day. Welcome to how the rest of the world feels, Louie!

FRIDAY, AUGUST 3

10:00 IFC COMEDY BANG! BANG!

Parks and Recreation's Adam Scott drops by to show off his wicked hot abs.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 4

5:00 FOX UFC ON FOX

If you're sick of the wimpy Olympics, here's mostly naked guys beating the shit out of each other in a cage.

9:00 BBCA THE SCIENCE OF DOCTOR WHO

The "science"? What's to know? You get in a telephone booth and fly to the past or future. Bing, bam, boom.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 5

10:00 AMC BREAKING BAD

While Walt celebrates his birthday, Skyler considers sticking a knife in his skull. Happy birthday, Walt!

11:30 TOON BLACK DYNAMITE

Check out this very funny and sharp animated parody of '70s blaxploitation flicks!

MONDAY, AUGUST 6

8:00 ABC BACHELOR PAD

The bachelors and bachelorettes try to complete a sexual health-themed obstacle course. They fail.

8:00 NBC SUMMER OLYMPICS

Tonight's featured event: track and field. (Sorry, but too much masturbation is bad for you.)

TUESDAY, AUGUST 7

10:00 ANI DRUG KINGPIN HIPPOS

It's about drug lord Pablo Escobar's private zoo, but I'd watch anything with that title.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 8

10:00 TLC HERE COMES HONEY BOO BOO

Debut! Tonight Honey Boo Boo and her family plot the end of life on earth and eat opossum.

11:00 NBC GO ON

Debut! Friends' Matthew Perry plays a dick sportscaster—but really, is there any other kind?