I Love Television™ 

Bullets of Joy

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I'm feeling a bit insecure right now. As regular readers of I Love Television™ know, I've made a career out of sexual and occasionally violent shenanigans. I'm not bragging, but if you can't remember the last time you instigated a drug- and alcohol-fueled orgy involving a stolen police van, 27 drag queens, a case of Hormel Chili, and the graduating class of a Catholic girls school—then I guess I am bragging. That being said... I'VE BEEN ONE-UPPED!

Here I was, smugly thinking to myself that I'm the most grotesque, morally contaminated deviant to ever sell kittens into slavery—and along comes a comedy series that's so deranged, so violent, and so steeped in debauchery that even its own network is ashamed of it! Say hello to Bullet in the Face (debuting this Thursday, Aug 16, on IFC at 7 pm), which was originally intended to run over six consecutive weeks. HOWEVER. According to reports, once the network brass watched the thing—jam-crammed with face shootings, leg breakings, head decapitatings, and occasional blow-jobbing? Well, let's just say there was a lot of throat-clearing, collar-pulling, uncomfortable silencing, and maybe, after they got home, a little blow-jobbing.

So instead of loudly tooting their horn that they have the craziest, funniest, most insanely psycho-violent sitcom ever? IFC has chosen to only half-promote it, and run the entire series in two nights, featuring back-to-back episodes. A chicken poop move? Maybe—but a real chicken poop move would've been to shelve this project entirely, or quietly release it down the road on DVD. So kudos to you, IFC—because Bullet in the Face is going to make people squirt bullets of joy into their underpants!

The plot: Psychopath career criminal Gunter Vogler (Max Williams) is a bat-crap crazy Kraut, as well as a misogynistic, brutally cruel assassin. (So far so good, right?) When his face gets blasted off by his lover's bullet, the police pay for his plastic surgery and new looks—and in exchange? Gunter becomes an undercover cop. (This plan needs further consideration if you ask me... but whatever! Let's get to the bloodshed!)

The still-insane—if not more so—Gunter is sent to infiltrate two warring gangs headed by a pair of crackpot mob bosses (comedian Eddie Izzard and film fave Eric Roberts), and what transpires is more than a bloodbath... it's an Exxon Valdez-sized bloodspill, featuring hot bikini-clad chicks with machine guns, car chases, exploding buildings, needless treachery, skull smashing, girl fights, random basketball team murdering, dentist abuse, and yep... at least a few dozen bullets to the face.

And through it all? HILARITY ENSUES. Bullet in the Face plays like a cross between Reservoir Dogs and Arrested Development—little wonder since its creator/producer is the brilliant Alan Spencer, best known for the unforgettable '80s cop sitcom Sledge Hammer!

So while my own grotesque exploits may not reach the sidesplitting, deliriously violent heights of Bullet in the Face, I'll try to remember that no one "owns" lascivious malevolence and that it's not a competition! (That being said, I'm throwing an orgy this weekend featuring all the people mentioned above PLUS an extra FIVE cases of Hormel Chili! You in?)

This Week on Television

THURSDAY, AUGUST 16

9:00 CW THE NEXT

Debut! Faded stars like Gloria Estefan help contestants in yet another singing competition show STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!!!

10:30 FX LOUIE

Part of being a dad means dealing with rashes on your kids' juicy bits. Deal with it.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 17

7:00 IFC BULLET IN THE FACE

The second night and final three episodes of the bloodiest, most violentist, and funniest sitcom ever!

SATURDAY, AUGUST 18

7:00 BBCA THE NERDIST

The nerds devote an entire episode to time travel, in which I travel to the future and proclaim it "awesome."

11:00 COM AMY SCHUMER: MOSTLY SEX STUFF

One of the most hilarious female comics currently working, in her own standup special.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 19

10:00 AMC BREAKING BAD

Walt, Jess, and Mike experience "occupational hazards." Hope they've got workmen's comp.

7:00 BBCA COPPER

Debut! An Irish immigrant cop investigates murders in 1864 NYC in this fun Brit import!

MONDAY, AUGUST 20

10:00 NBC GRIMM

Nick and his mom team up to fight a deadly occult force, and... MOOOM! YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME!!

10:30 MTV THE INBETWEENERS

Debut! Another great Brit comedy ruined by MTV. (And yet... no one stops them!!)

TUESDAY, AUGUST 21

10:00 SYFY COLLECTION INTERVENTION

Adults who obsessively collect toys undergo therapy. I'm safe, though. I collect SOULS.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 22

9:00 TLC TODDLERS & TIARAS

Kids perform in the "Little Mr. and Miss Nevada Pageant," otherwise known as "Future Gamblers Anonymous."

10:00 BRAVO TOP CHEF MASTERS

The contestants are forced to cook a meal for the Indigo Girls... AND listen to their music? That's just cruel.

Speaking of...

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