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Happy Self-Induced Coma Week!

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Guys! So here's the deal (in regard to what's on TV this week):

THURSDAY—The last day of the Republican National Convention. SNOOOOORRRRE!

SUNDAYBreaking Bad's mini-season finale. YAAAYYYYY!

TUESDAY—The first day of the Democratic National Convention. SNOOOOORRRRE!

And that's it. WAIT! One more...

TUESDAY—That TLC reality show about conjoined twins. YAAAYYYYY! SNOOOOORRRRE! Ew.

And that's it, for real. See, next week the new fall TV season starts in earnest, which will be super exciting, and you're gonna have to hook up seven DVRs just to record it all. But this week is as barren as Jennifer Aniston's baby-making bits. So if you ask me, this could be the perfect time for a... SELF-INDUCED COMA!

Yes, yes, self-induced comas get a bad rap—but before you condemn it, answer a few simple questions: (1) Do you get enough sleep? NO, YOU DO NOT. (2) Do you return from vacations more tired than when you left? YES, YOU DO. (3) Do you have a naggy wife/husband or boyfriend/girlfriend or mom or dad or boss? YES, YOU DO. (4) Do you often wish you could use a colostomy bag or adult diaper instead of visiting the toilet? YES, YES, 1,000 TIMES, YES.

Well, it sounds to me like you're the perfect candidate for a self-induced coma. Like any illegal medical procedure, there are pros and cons.

PROS: Catch up on all the sleep you've missed for the past year. Alleviate boredom. Beats going to work. Avoid a fight with your spouse (after a week, they'll forget why they were mad in the first place). Lose weight.

CONS: A potential colostomy bag explosion. What if your house burns down? If you accidentally don't wake up, people will tease you by calling you "Michael Jackson." I can't think of anything else.

OH! One more big "con"! Evil surgeons may take you to a warehouse filled with other coma victims and harvest your organs in the name of "scientific research" (but really they're just selling them on the black market). At least that's the plot of Robin Cook's 1977 novel Coma, which has been adapted into a two-part miniseries showing this week on A&E (Mon Sept 3–Tues Sept 4, 9 pm).

Coma stars Six Feet Under's Lauren Ambrose as a young medical student who declares "Shenanigans!" after her hospital's patients begin slipping into comas at an alarming rate. After some snoopy Veronica Mars–style investigation, she discovers some of her most trusted medical mentors (including Geena Davis, James Woods, Richard Dreyfuss, and Ellen Burstyn—all of whom must've really needed the money) have concocted an eeeevil scheme to harvest the organs of comatose victims in order to finance their ever-inflating cocaine and prostitution bill. (At least that's why I'd do it.)

This... is probably not a great movie. HOWEVER! It is a necessary reminder that self-induced comas have downsides, and that someone may screw around with you—if not by harvesting your organs, then by drawing a penis on your forehead with a Sharpie. OKAY! Ready for your coma? Let's start looking for an appropriate doctor who can put us under. I'll check Craigslist!

This Week on Television

THURSDAY, AUGUST 30

9:00 PBS REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION

Tonight: Mitt Romney defends being a rich white guy with a stick up his ass.

10:30 FX LOUIE

Louie's attempts to get on a late-night talk show go horribly (and hilariously) awry.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 31

7:00 MTV THE HILLS MARATHON

TEN FREAKING HOURS of MTV's greatest creation ever, The Hills. I'm buying two new DVRs for this one!

8:00 CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

The models pose as taxidermy. HAHAHAHAAAA! Perfect.

SATURDAY, September 1

6:00 A&E HATFIELDS & McCOYS

A repeat broadcast of the very popular three-part mini-series about the ultimate hillbilly haterz! Pew! Pew! Pew!

SUNDAY, September 2

7:00 ABC ABC'S PRIMETIME FALL PREVIEW SPECIAL

Clips and previews for ABC's not-very-interesting lineup of new shows. GET EXCITED!

10:00 AMC BREAKING BAD

Mini-season finale! Part one of the two-part final season comes to a close with Walt making a dangerous (and extremely stupid) move.

MONDAY, September 3

8:00 NBC STARS EARN STRIPES

Season finale! The celebs are peeved to learn that their final war exercise will involve actual bullets.

9:00 A&E COMA—Movie

(2012) A young doctor discovers her hospital is behind a creepy coma factory. All I want to know is... where do I sign up?!?

TUESDAY, September 4

8:00 FOX HELL'S KITCHEN

Season finale, part one! Chef Gordon Ramsay chooses who will be America's next great chef, and who will be a "fucking donkey."

10:00 PBS DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL

CONVENTION

Job #1: Don't let Joe Biden say anything.

WEDNESDAY, September 5

7:00 TLC HONEY BOO BOO MARATHON

Catch up on all the episodes thus far of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. (Don't worry, I won't tell a soul.)

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