Guys! I hope you packed an extra pair of tighty-whiteys (I know I always do), because this week's Guys! I hope you packed an extra pair of tighty-whiteys (I know I always do), because this week's TV schedule is jam-packed with shows designed to scare the poop into them! Which is pretty annoying actually. I mean, it's fun to be scared—but if you're like me and suffer from HTBD (Hair-Trigger Bowel Disorder), then a random startle can quickly turn into a VERY messy situation.
Example! The other day I was in Costco marveling at a 37-pound can of boiled baby carrots, when some stupid dingaling accidentally dropped a 75-pound box of "dandy monocles" right behind me. Naturally I assumed it was the vengeful ghost of Osama bin Laden crashing a stolen B-2 Bomber filled with syphilis into the "gigantic bags of frozen chicken wings" aisle (because why wouldn't he, right?), and a second later... PFFFTTBBTTHHFFF! My HTBD went off, and I'm standing there with a dookie ball the size of Jay Leno's head in my pants. Which in Costco isn't that unusual—but still! My underpants have better things to do with their time than to be assaulted in such an unseemly manner!
I have roughly 30 other examples... but time is short. That's why I'm warning all other sufferers of HTBD to look out for the bowel-exploding horror that will be squirting out of your TV this week. For instance...
• The Walking Dead (season premiere, Sun Oct 14, 9 pm, AMC). After a season of boring us to tears on that STUPID farm, the zombie-killing survivors of The Walking Dead are back to doing what they do best: squashin' some goddamn zombie skulls. RAH! The gang finds a new hideout—which, while crawling with the undead, at least isn't as BORING as Old McDrunky's Farm (E-I-E-I-OH). You can also expect leader Rick to continue his slide into the moral abyss, while teaming up with a maniacal tyrant called "The Governor," and a katana-swinging zombie ninja named Michonne who is followed around by... AHH! TWO JAWLESS ZOMBIES?!? (PFFFTTBBTTHHFFF!) Damn it.
• American Horror Story (season premiere, Wed Oct 17, 10 pm, FX). While TV creator Ryan Murphy hits and misses on a regular basis (the abysmal Glee and the not-quite-good The New Normal being misses), last year's American Horror Story was an out-of-the-park home run, in which the ball flew over the wall and into an adjacent street where it killed Gwyneth Paltrow, who was trying to sell a poor person a $300 organic cotton, "fair trade" fanny pack. This season features some of last year's actors (Jessica Lange, Sarah Paulson, Zachary Quinto) in a brand-new—and very freaky—storyline. It's 1964 and the setting is a creepy East Coast asylum for the criminally insane run by a sadistic nun (Lange). Omigod, YES! The show also features a lesbian reporter (Paulson), freaky torture sequences, and "Shelley the Nymphomaniac" played by Chloë Sevigny. (PFFFTTBBTTHHFFF!) That last one was from sheer joy.
• Dog with a Blog (debut, Fri Oct 12, 9:30 pm, Disney.) A new show. About a dog. That talks. And has a blog. WHAT... THE... (PFFFTTBBTTHHFFF!) Oh, my poor underpants.
This Week on Television
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 11
6:00 ALL NETS VICE-PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE
It's Joe "Uncle Crazy" Biden vs. Paul "I Kind of Lie... a LOT" Ryan. Place yer bets!
9:00 CW BEAUTY AND THE BEAST
Debut! A homicide detective teams up with a "beast" who gains super strength when enraged. (Man, Disney AND the Hulk should sue.)
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 12
9:00 NBC GRIMM
Nick and Hank are called in to investigate a gruesome murder... but really, on this show, are there any other kind?
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 13
9:00 SYFY AMERICAN HORROR HOUSE—Movie
(2012) Not to be confused with American Horror STORY, which would suit Syfy just fine, I bet.
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Tonight with musical guest Passion Pit and host Christina "Man... Kelly Bundy was HOT!" Applegate.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 14
9:00 ABC REVENGE
Emily continues to be plagued by the enemies of her past, which means there's nothing left but... REVENGE!!
9:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD
Season premiere! Rick finds a new hidey-hole for the gang—but there are a few zombie skulls that need squashin' first!
MONDAY, OCTOBER 15
10:00 SUND THE MORTIFIED SESSIONS
Comedian/podcaster Marc Maron and Community's Gillian Jacobs tell mortifyingly embarrassing stories!
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 16
6:00 ALL NETS PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE
It's presidential debate number two, and here's Obama's chance to... well, c'mon! DO SOMETHING!
9:00 CW EMILY OWENS, M.D.
Debut! A lot like The Mindy Project... except whiter.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 17
8:00 CW ARROW
Arrow takes on the evil China White... whose name makes me want a bump of cocaine for some reason.
10:00 FX AMERICAN HORROR STORY
Season premiere! Anybody up for a tour of an asylum for the criminally insane? Why yes! There ARE sexy nuns involved!