Jeremy Eaton

As we all know by now, on the 21st day of this month, the Mayan calendar supposedly predicts that a gigantic cataclysmic event will take place that will probably result in the destruction of the planet and all human life. This is awesome for the following reasons: (1) I'm too lazy to do my Christmas shopping. (2) I won't have to take down my Christmas lights. (3) All the people from other religions who make me feel guilty about celebrating Christmas will be dead. And (4) no more Walmarts.

Naturally, this Mayan end-of-the-world thingy has some downsides as well: (1) No sex toy Christmas gifts from random fanatical readers. (2) I still have to put up Christmas lights. (3) The end of the world will probably knock out my cable TV for at least a week or two. And (4) that big round stone Mayan calendar in my living room will now be useless.

HOWEVER! While the pros definitely outweigh the cons—did I mention no post-apocalypse nagging from lonely relatives?—I figure there's got to be a way or two to either forestall the Mayan end of the world or stop it completely. For example... human sacrifice! Study any history book, and you'll quickly learn that Mayans were totes hot and heavy for human and animal sacrifice. Bad corn crop that year? Drop a virgin in a volcano! Dedicating a newly built temple? Carve the heart out of a child and drain the blood into a bowl to offer up to the gods! You know. THE YOOZSH.

Now before we choose which human we're going to sacrifice, I have one thing to say: NOT IT!! (Ha, ha, haaaaa!!! You gotta get up purrrretty early in the morning to outsmart Humpy-doodle-doo!) Besides, I'm nothing close to a virgin. And who decided that gods want sacrificed virgins anyway? If you want to stop the end of the world, I think we should sacrifice someone that the gods WANT to see sacrificed—and in a way they want to see it. For example, I think the gods would be super psyched to see dickbag Republican leader Grover Norquist blindfolded and dropped naked into a giant barrel of elephant squirts. That alone should buy us at least five more years on earth.

Or how about sacrificing Donald Trump by making him live inside a medical waste dumpster for three weeks? And then tossing him into a volcano? (That last part would be just for our own amusement.)

WHATEVER! You guys think about who you wanna sacrifice and how you wanna do it. In the meantime, I'm going to watch the original Syfy movie (which means it's sure to be terrible) 12 Disasters of Christmas (Saturday, December 8, 9 pm), which promises to be an exact depiction of what will happen when the Mayan calendar runs out! Expect squirting volcanoes, crashing planes, house-collapsing earthquakes, freaky tornadoes, Christmas light electrocutions, and a partridge in a pear tree. (The partridge is carrying an airborne virus that will turn anyone he looks at into a brain-chomping zombie. Oh, and don't eat the pears either... he pooped on them.)

This Week on Television

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 5

8:00 CW ARROW

Oliver trains the Huntress to be his sidekick—but maybe she'd like it better if he were the sidekick?

10:00 FX AMERICAN HORROR STORY

Yay! Santa Claus visits Briarcliff! Wait... what's he doing with that ax?

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 6

9:00 HBO IN VOGUE: THE EDITOR'S EYE

A chronicle of 120 years of the most fashioniest fashion magazine ever!

9:30 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION

Ron introduces his new girlfriend to ex-wife Tammy Two—and surprise! The poop hits the fan!

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 7

9:00 SPIKE VGA 10

Coverage of the Video Game Awards—which I wish were hosted by Donkey Kong.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 8

9:00 CBS THE FLIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

An animated story about a reindeer who wants to fly, but is crippled by vertigo.

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

This week hosted by Jamie Foxx with musical guest Ne-Yo!

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 9

10:00 HIST BAMAZON

Debut! Hillbilly construction workers from Alabama search for gold in the Amazon? Okay, now these shows are just getting cruel.

11:45 TOON ROBOT CHICKEN

A very special Robot Chicken Christmas special where very bad/funny things will happen.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 10

9:00 NBC TAKE IT ALL

Debut! A new game show based on your office's white elephant gift exchange, brought to you by Howie Mandel who ruins everything.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 11

8:00 ABC SANTA CLAUS IS COMIN' TO TOWN

Hands down the best stop-motion creepy wooden puppet holiday special EVARRRRR!

8:00 FOX RAISING HOPE

Virginia prepares for the Mayan-prophesized end of the world by stocking up on coupons. Good idea!