I've got good news; I've got bad news. First, the bad news: The networks have staunchly refused to give my reality show, High-Diving Donkeys, a green light. Their rejection letter said something about how a show involving 12 donkeys living together in one house while competing against each other in high-diving competitions "isn't commercially viable." ISN'T COMMERCIALLY VIABLE??? Man, I'm glad I'm not driving right now, because when I hear the words "High-Diving Donkeys," I can't see anything but DOLLAR SIGNS.
But WHATEVER. Since the networks are apparently scared of making money, I'll just keep my idea and launch one of those "Kickstarter campaigns" in which you donate a load of moolah to get High-Diving Donkeys on the air, I make a million bucks, and you never see a penny of it. BUT! In return, YOU get to watch 12 donkey roommates fighting, laughing, making love, and diving off a 50-foot platform into a kiddie-sized swimming pool. You cannot put a price on that.
Anyway, here's the good news: So while you won't be watching donkeys diving into pools, you will get to see celebrity has-beens (and never-haves) give it a go this week in the two-hour Fox special, Stars in Danger: The High Dive (Wed Jan 9, 8 pm).
Watch, wince, and laugh with malicious glee as quasi-celebs—including JWoww (Jersey Shore), Kim Richards (The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills), Antonio Sabato Jr. (General Hospital, Melrose Place), Terrell Owens (some football jerk), and more—attempt to perform Olympic-style diving routines that turn into non-Olympic-style stinging belly flops. Two hours of watching people I can't stand, painfully hitting the water like bags of wet cement? It may not be donkeys... but oh, my goodness. It will do!
Other non-donkey-related shows debuting this week...
• Washington Heights (MTV, Wed Jan 9, 10 pm). Despite the epic artistic failures of The Hills, Jersey Shore, and The Real World, MTV returns to the youth reality trough with Washington Heights, which... hold on! May not be half bad! Unlike the fakey, manufactured drama of the previous entries, the kids of Washington Heights are gritty, real, and most importantly, not self-entitled, rich b-holes. (Though it would be much better with donkeys.)
• The Carrie Diaries (CW, Mon Jan 14, 8 pm). A "prequel" to HBO's Sex and the City (ACCKK!!), The Carrie Diaries documents the teenage years of Carrie Bradshaw (EEEEK!), in which Carrie tongue wrestles super hot high school boys (RRRRROWRR!!), falls in love with idiotic New York fashion (BLECHH!!), and develops the insipid voice-over style that will eventually make the entire world want to wrap piano wire around her throat (GRRRR!!!). (Just a suggestion, but I'd much rather watch The Donkey Diaries.)
• Continuum (SYFY, Mon Jan 14, 8 pm). In this Canadian sci-fi import, a hotsy-totsy cop from the year 2077 hitches a time machine ride with terrorists back to the year 2012, where she vows to stop their evil plans of effing with the future. Now, a donkey from the future wouldn't improve this show... IT WOULD MAKE IT THE BEST SHOW EVARRRRR!!! Goodbye High-Diving Donkeys, hello Time-Traveling Donkey Cop!
This Week on Television
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 9
9:00 ABC MODERN FAMILY
Jay's trip to Palm Springs is absolutely terrible—that is, until the appearance of Billy Dee Williams! (EEEE!!!)
10:00 FX AMERICAN HORROR STORY
Monsignor Howard tries to silence the babbling Sister Jude with more oh-so-gentle ELECTRO-SHOCK THERAPY.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 10
8:00 NBC 30 ROCK
While in Florida, Jack makes a stunning discover about his mom—which I hope involves some sort of lesbianism.
9:30 NBC 1600 PENN
When his generals refuse to get along, the president resorts to awkward group therapy.
FRIDAY, JANUARY 11
10:00 MAX BANSHEE
Debut! An ex-con assumes the identity of a small-town sheriff, fighting crime while avoiding the mobster he crossed!
10:30 IFC OUT THERE
Debut! A new animated series about high school life, and the awfulness within.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 12
9:00 WE CYNDI LAUPER: STILL SO UNUSUAL
Debut! Because Cyndi Lauper is the last person on earth to have her own reality show.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 13
9:00 HBO GIRLS
Season premiere! Hannah throws a hipster party, where Shoshanna is expectedly and delightfully awkward.
10:00 TLC PETE ROSE: HITS & MRS.
Debut! A new reality show starring the 71-year-old shamed baseball player and his Playboy Bunny wife. GAH-ROSS!!
MONDAY, JANUARY 14
8:00 CW THE CARRIE DIARIES
Debut! I've got a question: Who's the monster that gave Carrie the diary?!?
TUESDAY, JANUARY 15
8:00 PBS PIONEERS OF TELEVISION
A great documentary series, this week featuring the funny ladies of classic TV!
10:00 FX JUSTIFIED
While searching for a missing person, Raylan discovers that shooting people clears a nice path.