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Kickstopper

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So last week a news story broke that almost eclipsed the announcement of a crappy new pope: TV creator Rob Thomas raised $2 million in just one day on the website Kickstarter to fund his modern-day Veronica Mars movie. (Okay, fine... that's more exciting news than getting a new pope.) HOWEVER! Even though I ADORE the Veronica Mars series—and at one time begged you to watch reruns of it on the SOAP network—I kind of think... and don't stone me for this! I kind of thinnnnnnk... it's a colossal waste of everyone's time and money? OWW!! OWWW!! OWWWW!!! I SAID DON'T STONE ME!!

Okay, at least hear me out! First of all, I'll admit I'm not a huge fan of Kickstarter—and not because the site doesn't occasionally produce something useful and cool, but because it's not curated enough. For example, let's say some responsible scientists were trying to raise money on Kickstarter for a vaccine that would cure—not just prevent—HPV. Hey! I think that's a pretty good idea, and I might even pony up for it. (Actually, I probably wouldn't. I'm sort of a stingy, terrible person.) Now let's say someone was trying to raise $1.5 million on Kickstarter to build a replica of Noah's Ark (built to biblical proportion) that he wanted to turn into a zoo—because animals love being kept in small windowless compartments in the hull of a wooden ship. Hey! I don't think that's a very good idea—and yet? SOMEONE'S ACTUALLY TRYING TO DO IT.

Are you beginning to see my problem with Kickstarter? There should be a competing website called "Kickstopper," which steals money away from terrible Kickstarter ideas and gives them to good Kickstarter ideas. (Hmmm... I should start a Kickstarter for that.)

And while a Veronica Mars kickstarter is not a completely terrible idea—it'll make a few people happy, and give Kristen Bell a nice paycheck—how many reboots of much beloved shows are actually worth what you paid for them? For every kind-of-okay film version of 21 Jump Street and Mission: Impossible there's a mountain of absolute CRAPPERS that include, but are in no way limited to, The Dukes of Hazzard, Starsky & Hutch, Bewitched, The Beverly Hillbillies, Dark Shadows, Charlie's Angels, Miami Vice, Maverick, The X Files—SHALL I GO ON?

The sad fact of the matter is that the primary reason I loved teen detective Veronica Mars was because she was a teen. Sure, Veronica acted tough—but while cracking a case was relatively easy, the treacherous/treasonous waters of high school exposed her vulnerability to a heart-breaking degree. So how can an adult Veronica Mars be more interesting than a teenage Veronica Mars? Answering that question is hopefully where your Kickstarter donation is going.

Sorry, Rob Thomas. While I will certainly pay to see Veronica Mars (the movie), I'm not paying for you to figure out how to make it not terrible. However! If anybody can invent an oven mitt for the inside of your mouth—so I don't get burned by scalding hot Totino's Pizza Rolls—I will help kickstart the crap out of that.

This Week on Television

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 27

10:00 ABC NASHVILLE

Rayna appears on Katie Couric's show to discuss her failed marriage. (Katie will be portrayed by a clapping seal.)

10:00 MTV THE REAL WORLD

Season premiere! A new household of insensitive, insecure bags of meat descend upon Portland, Oregon.

THURSDAY, MARCH 28

9:00 FOX RAISING HOPE

Season finale! Burt discovers he's Jewish—which means a whole new world of delicious things to eat.

10:00 ABC SCANDAL

Olivia and Jake move from "just friends" to "let's get it oooooon!"

FRIDAY, MARCH 29

8:00 ABC HAPPY ENDINGS

Penny and Max find the perfect remedy to nighttime booty-call texting: black market cough syrup!

SATURDAY, MARCH 30

8:00 BBCA DOCTOR WHO

Season premiere! The Doctor battles the Spoonheads—which, I'm sorry, does not sound very scary.

9:00 BBCA ORPHAN BLACK

Debut! A woman takes over the life and relationships of her clone! (I just did that last week!)

SUNDAY, MARCH 31

9:00 HBO GAME OF THRONES

Season premiere! Jon meets Mance Rayder (AKA the King Beyond the Wall)—but he prefers "Mancey."

9:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD

Season finale! Rick and the Governor go head to head in a battle for a gross, crappy prison.

MONDAY, APRIL 1

10:00 A&E BATES MOTEL

Emma and Norman make a startling discovery—somebody ripped the shower curtain, dammit!

TUESDAY, APRIL 2

9:30 FOX THE MINDY PROJECT

Mindy gives a male prostitute the Pretty Woman treatment... except, you know... for men.

10:00 FX JUSTIFIED

Season finale! Raylan has a last, lethal encounter with the Detroit mob. (Somebody might want to bring a bucket.)

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