Jeremy Eaton

In case you haven't heard, astronomers have discovered no less than 15 possible planets that could potentially be habitable for humans. And by "habitable," I mean I fly to the planet and become its DICTATOR. Because let's face it, guys! You people have really effed up this planet... to the max! In fact, it's so effed up, it's practically uninhabitable—and by "uninhabitable" I mean, "undictatorable."

What have you effed up? Haw! WHERE SHALL I BEGIN? How about internet commenting? That was a super stupid idea, and if you need any further proof that all of humanity should be murdered in their sleep, read the comments on any YouTube video. Also? You've effed up driving. You refuse to move to the slow lane, you refuse to turn right on red, and you refuse to creep into the middle of the intersection while trying to turn left, thereby blocking everyone behind you! YOU'RE RUINING THIS PLANET FOR EVERYBODY!!

That's why I'm outta here. I'm flying to the closest habitable planet, and I'm going to dictator the shit out of it. But fear not, future slaves! I COME IN PEACE. In fact, I'm gonna make things a poop ton better for you—starting with making Netflix absolutely free! Those movies Hollywood made? Already paid for! There's no reason to recharge you for old movies, because do you pay for my old TV columns? NO, YOU DO NOT. (Note to people remaining here on Earth: Start paying for my old TV columns.)

Anyhoo, as you can see, I'm gonna be a totally bitchin' and cool-ass dictator. And I'm not gonna screw it up like those aliens did in the new Syfy show debuting this week, Defiance (Mon, April 15, 9 pm).

In Defiance, seven different alien species are trying to escape their dying star system (not my problem!), and ultimately land here on Earth (now my problem!). Everybody freaks out, there's a big war, and—long story short—it's 30 years later, the earth's cities are decimated, and aliens and humans uneasily co-exist in a new pre-industrial era alliance. Our heroes Nolan, (a dead ringer for Firefly's Mal Reynolds) and his adopted alien daughter Irisa (weird alien forehead... but hot!), become the marshals for the wild-west-style town of Defiance... so cue a series of steampunky adventures involving gunfights, gambling, hidden agendas, and aliens dressed like Abraham Lincoln.

Syfy's been looking for a suitable replacement for Battlestar Galactica—and while Defiance might not be their savior, it's still got a lot going for it. Cool CG, lots o' action, and some nicely developed characterizations (especially in the case of alien moon-doll Irisa) make Defiance more than just a Firefly knock-off... though comparisons with that excellent space-western are inevitable. It's actually more akin to HBO's Deadwood—except with fewer prostitutes and more freaky-ass aliens. Regardless, for sci-fi fans looking for the next big thing, it's definitely worth a peek.

Anyway, back to addressing my future alien minions: I so look forward to dictatoring you! Expect free movies, the death penalty for slow drivers, and lots of hot alien-on-dictator sex. (Don't worry about conflicting genitals... I'm very creative!)

This Week on Television

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 10

10:00 FX THE AMERICANS

FBI agent Stan follows clues leading him to the doorstep of Rooskie Elizabeth!

10:00 SYFY DEEP SOUTH PARANORMAL

Debut! Investigating hillbilly phenomena, such as, "Maw! Where's mah dad-blamed corncob pipe?!?"

THURSDAY, APRIL 11

9:30

FX ANGER MANAGEMENT

Charlie beds special guest Lindsay Lohan. Have barf bags at the ready.

10:00 NBC HANNIBAL

Will investigates a murderer who uses victims to grow mushrooms—or he could, you know, go to the grocery store. Whichever's easier.

FRIDAY, APRIL 12

11:00 HBO VICE

Tonight a man who helps refugees escape North

Korea. (Why? It's so AWESOME there!)

SATURDAY, APRIL 13

8:00 ABC BET ON YOUR BABY

Debut! Parents bet on their baby's ability to perform tasks such as, "Keep your goddamn hands off my iPhone!"

10:00 HBO LOUIS C.K.: OH MY GOD

The always hilarious Louis C.K. in a brand new standup comedy special.

SUNDAY, APRIL 14

10:00

AMC MAD MEN

Don has a disagreement with a client. Sleep with him!

10:00 HBO VEEP

Season premiere! The most foul-mouthed vice president ever (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) returns for another foul-mouthed season.

MONDAY, APRIL 15

9:00 SYFY DEFIANCE

Debut! Nolan arrives in Defiance, and quickly realizes the townsfolk were expecting Mal Reynolds.

9:00 SUN TOP OF THE LAKE

Season finale! The fate of Tui is discovered—at which point the poop really hits the fan.

TUESDAY, APRIL 16

9:00 FOX NEW GIRL

Nick suspects that one of Jess' students is a mass murderer. And so... mass murdering hijinx ensue!