Serious problem, guys! I am currently without a catchphrase. You know, the type of phrase that's repeated to the point of annoyance, but sears the speaker into the memories of his/her audience forever? For example: Fred Flintstone's "Yabba dabba doo!"; Urkel's "Did IIIIII dooooo thaaaaat?"; or Ryan Seacrest's "Seacrest OUT!" (which I tried to steal as my own, until I was stopped by an army of Seacrest's lawyers)? Well... I don't have one of those!!
I was reminded of my catchphrase-less problem thanks to the Rock (AKA movie actor/former wrestler Dwayne Johnson), who has a new reality competition show debuting this week (which I'll get to in a minute—please hold your horses!) and still possesses one of the greatest catchphrases ever:
"Can you SMELL what the Rock is COOKIN'?"
That... is an amazing catchphrase. Primarily because it makes exactly ZERO sense. Can we smell what he's cooking? No, because I have no idea what he's cooking. I'm not in his kitchen. Is it spaghetti?
On the other hand, maybe we shouldn't take the Rock's catchphrase so literally—in which case, his catchphrase is TERRIFYING. Maybe it's a threat... like he's actually a serial killer and enjoys cooking human flesh. I DON'T KNOW! Maybe he wants to have sex with me, and he's cooking up an erection. I DON'T KNOW! Maybe his tummy is upset, or he's got some sort of gastrointestinal distress going on, and he's feeling insecure about flatulence, and... I DON'T KNOW! The point is, he's definitely cookin' up something, and that's why his catchphrase is so memorable!
But enough about other people's catchphrases—let's concentrate on what MY new catchphrase should be as we learn about two must-watch TV shows debuting this week! Such as...
• The Greatest Event in Television History 2 (Adult Swim, Thurs June 6, midnight). Did you see the first Greatest Event in Television History, in which Parks and Recreation's Adam Scott and Mad Men's Jon Hamm did a shot-for-shot remake of the Simon & Simon opening credit sequence? Well, it was only The Greatest Event in Television History! Now it's time for another The Greatest Event in Television History, in which Scott and simply delightful Parks co-star Amy Poehler perform a shot-for-shot remake of the opener for the classic '80s romantic detective show Hart to Hart! You know... Hart to Hart? Starring Robert Wagner and Stefanie Powers? NO? What are you? Seventeen years old? Learn some goddamn TV history, for Christ's sake! You're only missing out on The Greatest Event in Television History 2!
• The Hero (TNT, Thurs June 6, 8 pm). Here's that show I mentioned earlier that you may already be able to smell... because the Rock is cookin' it! The Hero is a reality competition in which 10 contestants perform all sorts of crazy, hair-raising challenges—while being morally tested as well—to find out who will be crowned America's next great hero! (Ummm... I'm not sure the Rock gets to decide who our country's next "great hero" will be. BUT! If the Rock is cookin' it? I'M SMELLING IT!!)
Heyyyy... maybe that can be my new catchphrase! "I am SO smelling it!" UNNNGHH! That's terrible. How about: "I enjoy cooking human flesh!" DAMN IT! Go away, you're no help at all!!
This Week on Television
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 5
9:00 TLC TODDLERS & TIARAS
Season premiere! Toddlers get made up like whores to compete in the Disco Fever Pageant. Don't forget the coke!
THURSDAY, JUNE 6
9:00 TNT 72 HOURS
Debut! Contestants are dropped in the wilderness and have 72 hours to locate a lot of money—or, you know, die.
10:45 BBCA IN THE FLESH
Debut! This zombie show flips the script, making the undead the sympathetic ones! WHAT A COUNTRY!
FRIDAY, JUNE 7
10:00 IFC MARON
Marc becomes an AA sponsor to a recently released convict. How could this possibly go wrong??
SATURDAY, JUNE 8
9:00 SYFY SINBAD
Debut! A new reboot of the Sinbad legend, starring the handsome Elliot Knight, and the also handsome Naveen Andrews (Sayid from Lost)!
SUNDAY, JUNE 9
8:00 CBS THE TONY AWARDS
The annual ceremony that no one would give two poops about if Neil Patrick Harris weren't hosting!
9:00 HBO GAME OF THRONES
Season finale! Is Daenerys a conqueror? Or a liberator? Or just another random character with an impossible-to-spell name?
10:00 AMC MAD MEN
Sally's future is planned by the only character left on this show who is likeable: Betty. (Who knew?!?)
MONDAY, JUNE 10
9:00 HBO PUSSY RIOT: A PUNK PRAYER
A documentary about the Russian female punk band imprisoned for speaking out against religion and the government.
10:00 NBC THE WINNER IS...
Debut! Yet ANOTHER reality singing contest in which the viewers are the losers.
TUESDAY, JUNE 11
9:00 FAM TWISTED
Debut! A teen accused of murder returns home from prison and is immediately accused of murdering someone else? Guys! He's not Justin Bieber! LEAVE HIM ALONE!
10:30 COM INSIDE AMY SCHUMER
In tonight's sketches, Amy has multiple personalities and gets molested. (Do you think she's trying to offend us?)