Jeremy Eaton

At the risk of sounding racist [Author's note: Whenever anyone starts off a sentence with, "At the risk of sounding racist," you can practically guarantee they're about to say something racist.], I don't like cops from other countries. I'm not too fond of cops from this country, either—though at least I get where they're coming from. I'm doing something illegal... they don't like that. HOWEVER! Whenever I'm in a foreign country, I'm honestly not sure what the cops are gonna do.

Example: At the risk of sounding racist [Author's note: There he goes again.], Thailand's cops are the worst. Once when I was eating lunch at a remote Thai village, the town sheriff (or whatever they call it) was insanely drunk, and just stood there glaring at me, slightly wavering on his feet, and tapping the gun in his holster. Who's the most non-racist person in the world? Nelson Mandela? I bet even he'd think that was creepy.

Example #2: And again, at the risk of sounding racist [Author's note: Seriously? Shut up, racist! The only difference between you and Paula Deen is that you're pre-diabetic!], I don't know WHAT is going on with Mexico's cops. Once I got pulled over in Puerto Vallarta for an extremely minor traffic violation, and the cop made it clear I wasn't going anywhere until I paid him off. So when I offered him the bribe, he flipped out because I didn't hide the money underneath a piece of paper on his clipboard. DUDE! EVERYBODY KNOWS MEXICAN COPS TAKE BRIBES!! WE GET IT!! IT'S LIKE TIPPING A BARISTA!!

There was another time in Mexico when I was swimming by myself on a secluded beach and I was approached by a pickup truck carrying roughly 10 young men waving machetes and automatic rifles. They stared at me menacingly... and then kept driving. (PHEW!) Again, call me racist... but even Nelson Mandela would be totally creeped out by that!

However! Though I may sound racist [Author's note: Congratulations! You do!] I think I like the Mexican cop in the new FX drama The Bridge (debuts Wed July 10, 10 pm) better than the American variety!

The Bridge is based on the Scandinavian series of the same name and tells the story of two cops (Detective Sonya Cross of the El Paso Police Department and Detective Marco Ruiz, who's a homicide detective for the state of Chihuahua) on the American/Mexican border. When they discover a murdered body that's lying directly on the borderline, they argue over which country gets to investigate the case—until they discover the grisly secret that the body is actually two different people. EEEEEEEEEEE!!! Obviously a freaky serial killer is at work, and the cops are forced to work together to solve a very deep mystery that casts a shadowy light on both countries.

Besides being a great crime thriller, The Bridge also explores cultural differences, immigration woes, and, you guessed it... racism! And at the risk of sounding racist [Author's note: Gaaaaahhhh!!!], I think The Bridge is gonna make the rest of this summer's offerings look like a pile of garbage. [Author's note: TV shows aren't a "race," you idiot.]

This Week on Television

WEDNESDAY, JULY 10

10:00 NBC CAMP

Debut! Rachel Griffiths (Six Feet Under) stars as a summer camp counselor where Wet Hot American Summer antics ensue!

10:00 FX THE BRIDGE

Two competing detectives (one American, one Mexican) work together to solve a creepy murder. Check this one out!

THURSDAY, JULY 11

8:00 USA

SUMMER CAMP

Debut! Not to be confused with the idiotic summer camp series above... this one's a reality competition.

9:00 SYFY SHARKNADO—Movie

(2013) It's about a tornado... made completely out of sharks. NOW do you believe in global warming?

FRIDAY, JULY 12

10:00 IFC

COMEDY BANG! BANG!

Season premiere! The triumphant return of the hilarious fakey talk show, with special guest Andy Samberg.

SATURDAY, JULY 13

10:00 am TOON

BEWARE THE BATMAN

Debut! A new Batman animated series, this time featuring cool computer graphics.

SUNDAY, JULY 14

9:00 CMT

HILLBILLIES FOR HIRE

Debut! Two hillbillies start a for-hire prank service. Tonight's episode: "Manhandled." (Uh-oh.)

10:00 HBO THE NEWSROOM

Season premiere! By far the most obnoxious and annoyingly arrogant show on TV returns for another obnoxious, arrogant season.

MONDAY, JULY 15

8:00 CW THE IHEARTRADIO ULTIMATE POOL PARTY

Featuring performances from Ke$ha, Miley Cyrus, Pitbull, with a special appearance by me in a thong.

10:00 NBC SIBERIA

A freak fire brings out feelings of anger, lust, and... did you hear a tiger growling nearby??

TUESDAY, JULY 16

8:00 CW WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?

The hit improv show returns with Aisha Tyler as host, along with old-timers Wayne Brady and Ryan Stiles.

10:00 COM DRUNK HISTORY

A very drunk person describes the life of Al Capone. (Awww, poor Al Capone!)