This isn't going to be a good TV column. Why? Because I am so hopped up right now on sinus medication, I feel like I'm the entire front row of a Phish concert. SERIOUSLY! I'm high as a freaking kite, and in a completely terrible way. Would it kill the pharmaceutical industry to add a little cocaine or some other feel-good drug to their sinus medication? C'mon! WHAT'S STOPPING THEM? (And don't say "the Food and Drug Administration," because I'm high, I'm on a roll, and I don't want to be interrupted!)
Oh, sure—before I took the sinus medication it felt like two barrels of fruit Jell-O were shoved up my nose, and a vibrating dildo buried just beneath my eyebrows. And while the sinus medication removed both Jell-O and dildo, it also took out my brain and replaced it with a jumbo package of cotton gauze and a sleeping hobo. So now whenever I try to form a coherent thought, the hobo rolls over and screams, "OY! Wot's all this then? Can't ye see I'm tryin' to get me beauty rest, ye lily-livered pecker licker??" (Apparently this hobo is some kind of cockney pirate?)
See, this column is already terrible, and I haven't even mentioned "television" yet. Whatever! It's not like you'd notice—I've read the comments you leave on YouTube, and you're not all that impressive either!
Okay. So. TELEVISION. Nothing's on television this week. However! A preview of something interesting is coming on television this week for something that's actually debuting next week... even though the thing that's previewing this week is actually the same thing that's debuting next week. One could say it's actually debuting this week, and next week is its second week, but—OWW!! Stop hitting me with your bindle, Sleepy Hobo!
Anyway, tune in to Fox this Sunday (July 21) at 9:30 pm for a preview of their new late-night cartoon block called Animation Domination High-Def (ADHD), which will actually premiere Saturday, July 27, at 11 pm—so don't get it twisted! This week's preview features two of their new short animated series, including High School USA! which was created by the consistently hilarious Dino Stamatopoulos (Community, Mr. Show, Moral Orel) and revolves around a gang of high school kids (not unlike the Archies) who are insanely optimistic, upbeat, and tackle topics such as bullying, sexting, and Adderall addiction... all of which I've engaged in within the last two hours.
BUT! ADHD also features the highly anticipated Axe Cop—which is about a cop! Who carries an AXE! Based on the web comic illustrated by Ethan Nicolle and written by his eight-year-old brother Malachai, Axe Cop battles dinosaurs, zombies, and other-worldly villains with the help of his partner Flute Cop, sleeps for only two minutes a night, and at one time was married to a female Abraham Lincoln. And NO, that's not the sinus medication talking—that's the actual plot of this show!
So check out this week's preview of ADHD, then watch the real ADHD next week, which very well could be the same ADHD and—OWWW!! Damn you, Sleepy Hobo! I'm going to cram a vibrating dildo in my ear and KILL YOU!!!
This Week on Television
WEDNESDAY, JULY 17
9:00 TLC HERE COMES HONEY BOO BOO
Season premiere! The hillbilly hit returns, and tonight? They're making a fancy dinner... with roadkill.
10:00 FX THE BRIDGE
Marco and Sonya argue over the dead body, and... relax, you two! It's sawed in half! There's plenty to go around!
THURSDAY, JULY 18
9:00 LIF PROJECT RUNWAY
Season premiere! A brand-new season of talented designers making couture gowns out of lettuce.
9:00 SYFY BLAST VEGAS—Movie
(2013) Naughty spring breakers accidentally unleash a curse on Las Vegas, aaaaand... no one really notices.
FRIDAY, JULY 19
10:00 IFC COMEDY BANG! BANG!
Featuring Parks and Recreation's Aziz Ansari singing a romantic ballad about vegan sandwiches.
SATURDAY, JULY 20
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Another must-see repeat with verrrry funny host Kristen Wiig.
SUNDAY, JULY 21
Preview! When Bat Warthog Man's friends go missing, Axe Cop and Flute Cop are on the case! (THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.)
Midnight TOON THE VENTURE BROS.
Season finale! Sgt. Hatred seeks vengeance for the presumably dead Doc Venture. (MAKES A BIT MORE SENSE, THOUGH NOT MUCH.)
MONDAY, JULY 22
10:00 NBC SIBERIA
A mysterious light appears in the Siberian sky, giving all the contestants a serious case of the "hornies."
10:00 CBS UNDER THE DOME
(Knock. Knock.) Hey! You guys still under the dome? (Pause.) Yep, still under the dome.
TUESDAY, JULY 23
10:00 COM DRUNK HISTORY
Drunk History visits Atlanta where we learn how a pharmacist used wine and cocaine to invent Coca-Cola! (I'm drunk already.)
11:00 SHO WEB THERAPY
Fiona engages in some vacation R&R (BOW-CHICKA-BOW-BOW) with guest Steve Carell.