Today I am in a veritable state of ecstasy, because this week the new 90210 debuts (The CW, Tues Sept 2, 8 pm)! YAY! The "teen drama gods" have obviously heard our cries, and—after finally realizing that Gossip Girl just isn't as good as everyone claims—have bestowed upon us a brand-NEW show spotlighting teens and their nudist hormonal tendencies. OKAY, FINE. Obviously 90210 isn't exactly "new" since it's a thinly disguised remake of the holiest of all teen dramas, Beverly Hills, 90210. HOWEVER! It does have the three attributes that the original had, and that all successful teen dramas must have: (1) Teen hunks. (2) Teen whores. And (3) morally impotent parents.
The basic structure is still intact: Siblings move from the red Midwest to decidedly blue West Hollywood, where they must quickly adapt to a high school environment that doesn't look kindly upon hillbillies. Soon enough, however, they quickly make friends, enemies, and "frenemies," with the school's rebel, jock, and aforementioned hot teen whore.
BUT HERE'S MY MAJOR MALFUNCTION. "Teen dramas" should be what their name implies, with the emphasis on "TEEN." So when you throw too many adults into the mix, it not only screws up the balance of the teen drama universe, it seriously cuts into time when the teens could be engaging in drugs, booze, steroid abuse, homosexuality, fistfights, unwanted pregnancies, and—most importantly—poolside nudity.
I had no problem with the original 90210's adult-to-nude-teen ratio: there were the Walshes and that horny perv who ran the Peach Pit—and that was IT. However, in the newest incarnation, you've not only got the mom, dad, and Peach Pit perv, there are also a couple of teachers played by decrepit original 90210 cast members! Remember Kelly Taylor (Jennie Garth)? THE TEEN WHORE? Now she's the new guidance counselor at West Hollywood High! Hopefully she's not giving birth control advice, because—take it from me—a shaken bottle of 7-Up does not work.
Also returning to the fold is Brenda Walsh (Shannen Doherty), who is best remembered for having a weird droopy left eye and making everyone's life on the set a living hell. Well, for reasons unknown, Shannen has been invited back to play the high school drama teacher (with a probable emphasis on DRAMA) and freak everybody out with her droopy left eye.
Who's missing? Well, Tori Spelling was supposed to return as the faux-virgin Donna Martin, until she reportedly learned that Shannen and Jennie were making more money and told the studio to kiss her surgically restored ass. Luke Perry and Ian Ziering (AKA Dylan McKay and Steve Sanders) have also refused to come back because of sadly misplaced superiority complexes, and as for Gabrielle Carteris (Andrea Zuckerman)? I'm pretty sure she died in an old folks' home in 1998 at the ripe old age of 127. So I guess she's out.
BUT HERE'S MY POINT: The fewer adults on this show, the better! I say send these 90210 alum-nuts to the garbage heap where they belong, and focus on the next generation. Let's celebrate the hot teen whores of tomorrow!This Week on Television