I Love Television™ 

On Gay Slavery and Cannibals

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If you haven't noticed, TV networks come up with a poop-ton of STINKO ideas (Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader? pops to mind), and it's pretty hard to imagine how these stinko ideas get green lighted in the first place. For example, let's take two shows debuting this week: One is a fairly decent idea, while the other one? STINKO!

First there's Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling (CMT, debuts Sat Oct 18, 8 pm), which—let's face it—already sounds like a pretty great show. Seriously, I could meet with a network, tell them the title and nothing else, and walk out with one full season of episodes and two nude prostitutes on each arm. But the idea gets even better from there!

Ten washed-up celebs compete to see who can become the most "realistic" professional wrestler, including Todd "Diff'rent Strokes" Bridges, former pop princess Tiffany, Dustin "Screech from Saved by the Bell" Diamond, one of those super-drunken girls from The Real World, Danny "Partridge Family" Bonaduce, and Frank "My brother is Sylvester" Stallone! And every one is gonna get their freaking faces smashed in! Ahhhh... it's like a beautiful dream... and I refuse to wake up!

(One disturbing item of note: The celebs are being trained by two pro wrestlers named—and I kid you not—Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake and Brian "Nasty Boy" Knobbs. Both of those names make me feel funny... down there.)

Here's one that's somewhat less awesome: Crusoe (NBC, debuts Fri Oct 17, 8 pm). Oh yeah. It's THAT Crusoe: the dude from the old-timey novel that gets shipwrecked on a deserted isle and hangs out with his "friend" (AKA gay slave). WORST... IDEA... FOR A... TV SHOW... EVER. I can just imagine the NBC pitch meeting: "It's like a cross between Lost and MacGyver—that is, if MacGyver had a gay slave." NOT THAT I HAVE ANYTHING AGAINST GAY SLAVES. Some of my best friends know people who have acquaintances that are gay slaves. Apparently, they're perfectly lovely people. HOWEVER! I myself have never owned a gay slave, nor have I ever experimented with "gay slavery" per se—not even at my liberal arts college.

Jeez... where was I? OH, YEAH! So in this new TV show, Robinson Crusoe and his "friend" (who just happens to wear assless leather chaps, I bet) end up shipwrecked on a sexy tropical island, where they build a stylish tree-house condo and fight off starvation, as well as battle pirates and... hold on just a second... "bloodthirsty cannibals"?!? NOW YOU'VE GOT MY ATTENTION!

No wonder NBC gave this project the green light! It's impossible to make an entertaining show where a dude is stuck on a secluded island for 28 years—but throw in a gay slave and bloodthirsty cannibals? Those are additions that can really help pass the time! Tell you what: I'm going to give this show a chance. And maybe I'll even purchase a gay slave and a cannibal to watch it with me. They would be under "Casual Encounters" on craigslist, right?

Be sure to also check out This Week on Television.

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