Apparently, I'm the most desperately unhappy person you will ever meet. Shocked? Well, you should be. Because even though I generally trot through life with a smile on my face and a spring in my step (and pants), a recent scientific survey has graciously informed me that I'm pitifully MISERABLE.

The people doing the study, published in the December ish of Social Indicators Research magazine (never heard of it), allegedly polled thousands of subjects and came to the extremely questionable conclusion that "unhappy" people watch more TV than so-called "happy" people who spend their time reading, socializing, and having sex. Thanks, Social Indicators Research magazine. Now I will proceed to demolish your nonsensical argument point by point.

POINT 1: Social Indicators Research is the most TERRIBLE name for a magazine in the history of the universe. Its like if Out magazine were to change its name to Homosexual Periodical (which actually isn't half bad). So with such a stoopid, irresponsible name, why should I believe anything else you say? BURN!

POINT 2: Social Indicators Research makes the idiotic and erroneous claim that "happy" people spend more time reading, socializing, and having sex. But I maintain one can also be happy doing these things WHILE watching television. For example, just last week I met a librarian at a bar and porked her during an episode of Gossip Girl. Needless to say, we were both pretty "happy" with our arrangement.

POINT 2A: However! It should be noted that any or all of these supposedly "happy" activities could be completely freaking miserable, taken on an individual basis—"reading" for example. The writers over at Social Indicators Research magazine are "reading" this right now and saying, "God DAMNIT! I've never porked a librarian or anyone else for that matter, because I'm a bitter, ugly Poindexter." Thus they can't be very "happy."

POINT 3: I seriously doubt Social Indicators Research magazine asked the subjects what they were watching on TV that made them so "unhappy." My guess would be any of the following: Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?, The O'Reilly Factor, According to Jim, repeats of M*A*S*H, CNN'S Lou Dobbs Tonight, every VH1 reality show, Lipstick Jungle, anything starring Howie Mandel... really... do I need to continue? Conversely, after watching a particularly good episode of The Office, 30 Rock, or even The Hills, I'm in a freaking GREAT mood. On top of that, I'm better able to "socialize" than a social pariah who doesn't watch TV, because he/she has never heard of that dick Spencer Pratt.

HENCE, as a TV viewer, I'm "happier" than any of those ugly Poindexters over at Social Indicators Research magazine. Their lengthy "study" is hereby rendered moot, making them the laughing stock of the scientific community. They lose; I win. Humpy 1, Nerds zip. Game... set... mother-effing MATCH. Oh... and burrrrrrn.