Jeremy Eaton

Yes, I know I announce a new career path every other week—but this time? It's gonna STICK, panty-holes! Because from now on, you can call me "Wm.™ Steven Humphrey: CYBERCRIMINAL!"

Why a cybercriminal? Well, I've heard a lot of good things about this growing industry, and I wanna get in on the ground floor. Number one great thing about being a cybercriminal: You can work from home. Sure, I loved the glamour of being an international jewel thief—but in reality? There's a lot of climbing buildings, and avoiding infrared laser security systems.

Number two great thing about being a cybercriminal: I don't even have to own my own computer! I can use the one from work! You have to buy all sorts of things when you're an international jewel thief... such as rope, grappling hooks, circular glass cutters, and French lessons.

Number three great thing about being a cybercriminal: I can stay in my underpants... allllll day. International jewel thieves are constantly changing outfits, trading black ski masks for fancy party tuxedos at a moment's notice. (It should be noted that international jewel thieves get 25 times more booty than an underwear-wearing cybercriminal... but there's always Tinder, right?)

Anyway, you know it's easy to be a cybercriminal when CBS decides to make a show about it. Debuting this week is CSI: Cyber (CBS, Wed March 4, 10 pm)—another genital wart sprouting from the ever-growing CSI franchise. This one stars Patricia Arquette (who just won an Oscar and is probably kicking herself right now for taking this crappy gig), as well as James Van Der Beek (from Dawson's Creek... let's pause to sing "I DON'T WANNA WAIT! FOR OUR LIIIIIIVES TO BE OVERRRR!"), and perhaps best of all, Lil' Bow Wow, who now wants to be called by his real name, "Shad Moss." HAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!! RIGHT. No can do, Lil' Bow Wow!

Anyway, Arquette plays cyberpsychologist (!!) Avery Ryan who leads the FBI's Cyber Crime Division and rubs her chin while saying things like, "According to my profile, our suspect is probably only wearing underpants." Helping her is FBI Agent Elijah Mundo (played by Van Der Beek), an ex-military hunk who chases down criminals and sporadically sings, "I DON'T WANNA WAIT! FOR OUR LIIIIIIVES TO BE OVERRRR!" Meanwhile, Lil' Bow Wow is reformed hacker Brody Nelson, whose job is to hack the hackers, and occasionally (and I'm not making this up) rap for no apparent reason other than he's black. But! In CBS' defense, their demographics are Republican grandparents, and this is probably the only rapping they'll hear in their lifetimes.

Of course, don't be at all surprised if the hackers in CSI: Cyber are uniformly portrayed as bad guys while the government are sweet angels whose poots smell like cinnamon—thereby completely ignoring the gray area of real life represented by Edward Snowden, Julian Assange, and the NSA. Again, we are talking about CBS, here—whose job is to make overly simplistic entertainment for Republican grandparents who don't want to be overloaded with too much information. So cut 'em some slack, already!

(Oh, and speaking of your grandparents, tell them thanks for sending me their bank account passwords. Sincerely, Wm.™ Steven Humphrey... CYBERCRIMINAL!)

This Week on Television

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 4

10:00 FX THE AMERICANS

Elizabeth wants her daughter to be a Russian spy, who responds, "Mooom! You're embarrassing meeeeee!"

10:00 COM WORKAHOLICS

The prize for the office's blood drive competition? Lunch with Dolph Lundgren. COUNT... ME... IN.

THURSDAY, MARCH 5

8:00 NBC THE SLAP

Tired of getting slapped, Harry invents an anti-slapping device called, "Slap No More."

10:00 ABC AMERICAN CRIME

Debut! 12 Years a Slave writer John Ridley penned this new drama about race, gender, and crime in America.

FRIDAY, MARCH 6

All day Netflix UNBREAKABLE KIMMY SCHMIDT

Debut! A Tina Fey joint about a gal who escapes from an apocalypse cult and moves to the big city! RECOMMENDED!

SATURDAY, MARCH 7

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Hosted by Thor dreamboat Chris Hemsworth. (Hope he brings his "hammer," and by "hammer," I mean "penis.")

SUNDAY, MARCH 8

9:30 FOX THE LAST MAN ON EARTH

Phil settles into his Tucson mansion—which may not be as empty as he first thought?

9:30 HBO TOGETHERNESS

Season finale! If you haven't watched this funny and thoughtful Duplass brothers comedy—watch it already!

MONDAY, MARCH 9

8:00 ABC THE BACHELOR

Season finale! Bachelor Chris exchanges his final rose for a case of the clap.

10:00 A&E THE RETURNED

Debut! Dead people come back to life, and for once? They aren't all ugly zombies! Whaaaaaaa????

TUESDAY, MARCH 10

9:00 ABC AGENTS OF SHIELD

Lady Sif returns, but with a bad case of amnesia. (Don't try hitting her on the head again... doesn't work.)

10:00 FX JUSTIFIED

Raylan extends an unexpected offer to Markham (played by the amazing Sam Elliott SQUEEEEEEE!).