The "holidays," as they put it, blow... SO... HARD! Have you tried to watch TV in the last couple of weeks? It's been a goddamn wasteland, I tell ya! Nothing but boring repeats, weird British versions of America's Next Top Model, and crazy Jimmy Stewart screaming, "Merry Christmas, you old savings and loan!" Meanwhile, I'm curled up in a ball on the living room floor, sweating like a pig in a sauna, and counting the milliseconds until TV executives STOP being so freaking lazy, and START putting something good on TV again!! I mean, C'MON!! All they ever do is bitch and moan that nobody watches their shows—and yet they have the UNMITIGATED GALL to take a two-week vacation?!? FAWK YOU!!
Sorry... sorry... that's the withdrawals talking. GOD! Why won't my skin stop ITCHING?? Okay... okay... deep breaths. The mid-season replacement shows will be starting any second now, so all I have to do is hold on just a little while longer. (That gun cabinet is locked, right?) Here are a few of the best new shows debuting this week!
• AFRO SAMURAI (Spike, debuts Thurs Jan 4, 11 pm). While the name of this show alone is enough to rid my body of delirium tremens forever, this new adult cartoon has one additional thing going for it... IT STARS MOTHER-EFFIN' SAMUEL L. JACKSON! Woot! Woot! Jackson lends his sweet dulcet tones to the main character; a futuristic samurai soul brother who is on a mission to avenge the death of his father... by tracking down the villain and shoving his sword up his patootie! Woot! Woot!
• GREASE: YOU'RE THE ONE I WANT (NBC, debuts Sun Jan 7, 8 pm). Are you the kind of person who always co-opts a person's stereo at a party, plays the Grease soundtrack, and shimmies around the living room singing, "You'retheonethatIwant/youAREtheoneIwant—hoo-hoo-hooooooo! HONEY!" Then you should die. Seriously. Everyone's sick of you ruining their parties. So if you'd prefer to stay alive, I'd advise you to stay at home and watch this new game show where a bunch of atonal nobodies try out for the new Broadway production of Grease. If you happen to find yourself screaming at the TV, "Omigod! These people are SO annoying!"... then, you'll finally realize how the rest of us feel.
• GAY, STRAIGHT, OR TAKEN? (Lifetime, debuts Mon Jan 8, 8 pm). Now THIS is a great idea for a game show! One woman goes on a series of dates with three different guys and (preferably after falling in love with at least one of them) must guess which one is gay, straight, or taken! And since I'm positive this is gonna go over like gangbusters, I'd like to go ahead and suggest a spin-off show entitled, Bigamist, Foot Fetishist, or Pedophile?
• ARMED AND FAMOUS (CBS, Wed Jan 10, 8 pm). Hilarity will undoubtedly ensue when five washed-up celebs (Erik "CHiPs" Estrada, La Toya "Freak" Jackson, Wee "Midget" Man, Trish "WWE" Stratus, and Jack "Osbourne" Osbourne) join the Muncie, Indiana police force and become ACTUAL COPS. Only one person could make this show any better: Rodney King.
