Jeremy Eaton

Dancing with the Stars is returning for another season this week—and this time it's going to be a bona fide marijuana freakout! The reason I love this show (that pairs pro dancers with washed-up celebs) is because something fa-REAKY happens on nearly every episode: If it's not somebody's boobies falling out, then it's the revelation of a contestant and his partner sleeping together. Then if it's not someone leaving the show because her husband got caught watching porn on his computer, it's the host introducing the former president of Zambia who is inexplicably sitting in the audience. WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT?!? David Hasselhoff, nude—making out with a wolverine?

Anyway, the premiere of ABC's Dancing with the Stars is this Monday, March 19 at 8 pm—and if this year's cast of crazy has-beens is any indication, this could be the looniest season EVER. Here's the lineup: In the "Washed-up Entertainer" category there's Billy Ray Cyrus (who somehow escaped public execution for his one-hit-wonder "Achy Breaky Heart"), Joey Fatone (who most 'N Sync fans refer to as "you know... the fat one"), John Ratzenberger (AKA Cliff from Cheers, AKA "the least employable actor in Hollywood"), and Ian Ziering (who, after appearing as Steve on Beverly Hills 90210, was last seen taking out his garbage wearing slippers and a robe).

In the "Washed-up Sports Star" category there's Clyde Drexler (never heard of him... apparently he's some sort of basketball player), Laila Ali (the almost-famous daughter of the very famous Muhammad Ali), and Apolo Anton Ohno (a champion speed skater, which is even less of a sport than ballroom dancing). Did I mention I don't like sports very much?

Then there's the always-popular "Women I Might Like to Pork" category, which includes Shandi Finnessey (a former Miss USA winner who loses major points because there are no nude pictures of her on the internet), Paulina Porizkova (who was a supermodel back in the mid-'80s, and now looks like John Ratzenberger. Jeez... since when is it a crime to make a joke?), and Leeza Gibbons (the former host of Entertainment Tonight—who also made cameo appearances in all the RoboCop films! AWESOME! I hope she does a RoboCop dance.).

HOWEVER! This year there's also a subcategory entitled "She's Only Got One Leg," and features Paul McCartney's one-legged ex-wife, Heather Mills (who is most famous for... umm... did I mention she was married to Paul McCartney and only has one leg?). Anyway, you can mark my words: The inclusion of a one-legged celebrity in this dance competition is going to cause BIG PROBLEMS. First of all, she's going to stay on the show FOREVER even if she sucks, because voters won't want to appear "anti-handi-capable." Secondly, you just know that the second she finishes a shitty performance, that wooden leg is going to mysteriously come flying off. Then she'll be all, "Oh, boo-hoo-hoo! I totally would've killed that samba—if my leg hadn't fallen off."

WELL, I'M WATCHING YOU, LITTLE MISS ONE-LEG! And if you do anything to cheat fat Joey Fatone out of his victory? I'm sending in nude David Hasselhoff—AND his wolverine!