SHOCK: Okay, I'm not saying there's a conspiracy—but C'MON! How can TWO of the best reality-show contestants be voted off in ONE week!? And of course I'm talking about Sanjaya Malakar (the ponyhawked and much-reviled 17-year-old from American Idol), and Heather Mills (the one-legged and much-reviled—in England—one-legged person from Dancing with the Stars). Not to mention Rosie O'Donnell, who also got voted off The View! How can this be happening?! What horrible thing did I do to deserve this?
GUILT: Crap. I knew I should've kept voting for Sanjaya and Heather... I just figured someone else would pick up the slack. This is all my fault! I should've called up the producers of The View and said, "I never watch your television show. But if you get rid of Rosie, I promise I will never, ever, EVER watch it!" It's also my fault that Sanjaya is such an awful singer, and that Heather lost her leg.
FEAR: You know, if America can suddenly turn against Sanjaya, Heather, and Rosie—that means I'm up poop creek without a paddle! I've got a loud, obnoxious mouth (just like Rosie), I'm only marginally talented (just like Sanjaya), and I really, really despise Paul McCartney (just like his ex-wife Heather)! If you really wanted to, you could write the editor of this newspaper and say, "HUMPY STINKS!! Why can't you find a more appropriate writer for your paper—such as a retarded monkey with a label maker?"
DEPRESSION: I really don't deserve this job. I mean, I'm supposed to be critiquing television! And most of the time, I'm too busy draining 40s, shooting up goofballs, and admiring how hot I look in underpants to put any thought into why TV shows make stupid decisions like kicking off Sanjaya, Heather, and Rosie. I'm so sorry I've failed you, Sanjaya! God, I HATE MYSELF!!
DENIAL: Waitasecond... it's not my fault these dumbasses got voted off their shows, or that I'm America's most popular TV columnist! I am not responsible for the success or failure of American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, The View, or the newspaper you are holding right now. In fact, I'm not responsible for anything! If I'm drunk, IT'S NOT MY FAULT. If I sleep with more people in a day than you do in three years, well... I didn't ASK for other people's genitals to be attracted to mine!
ANGER: IN FACT... just the very IDEA that YOU would accuse ME of being RESPONSIBLE for these no-talent dorkholes getting kicked off their ridiculously stupid shows REALLY PISSES ME OFF!! I HATE American Idol, I HATE Dancing with the Stars, and I WOULD REALLY HATE The View—if I ever watched it. So to tell the truth? I don't give TWO GOOEY POOPS about ANY of these stinkfingers, because I NEVER LIKED THEIR IDIOTIC SHOWS IN THE FIRST PLACE!!
ACCEPTANCE: Oooh! Did you hear? Posh from the Spice Girls might be on next year's Dancing with the Stars! GOD, I LOVE THAT SHOW!