jeremy eaton

Huh?! What?! Oh... it's YOU. Look, I appreciate you reading my column and all, but frankly, I'm a little too busy for you right now. In case you didn't realize, this is the bat-poop CRAZIEST TV week of the entire year, jam-packed with new shows and season finales. And if I don't figure out the perfect TV-watching schedule for this week, I can pretty much kiss my reputation as "TV's Most Annoyingly Obsessive Fan" good-bye. (At least I'll still be eligible for "Most Likely to Develop Adult Onset Diabetes." Keep your fingers crossed!)

THURSDAY: It's the one-hour(!) season finale of The Office (NBC, 8 pm), in which Michael, Jim, and Karen battle for the same job at corporate headquarters—which means (yikes!) DWIGHT is in charge! Also at 8 pm, it's the season ender for the ridiculous, yet sexy, Smallville (CW). Clark must stop Lex from developing an army of evil soldiers, and Chloe's "superpower" is finally revealed. (Oh, please let it be the ability to telekinetically rip off Clark's shirt.)

FRIDAY: Tonight gives us the season finale of America's Funniest Home Videos (ABC, 8 pm) in which they finally answer the question: Is it funny when a toddler hits his dad in the face with a baseball bat?

Then at 9 pm, it's the Dr. Phil Primetime Special (CBS) in which this pear-shaped douchebag visits a prison to nag the inmates about all the bad things they did. Thanks for the reminder, you judgmental, pompous lardass. Also at 9 pm, it's the premiere of National Bingo Night (ABC), where contestants play bingo and viewers are invited to play along. You know... I think I'll pass. My hip starts acting up if I'm not in bed by 8 pm. (Could you call the nurse? My colostomy bag needs emptying.)

MONDAY: After one of the WORST seasons ever, 24 (Fox, 8 pm) will burn off its remaining two episodes. Producers promise that next year, they'll completely revamp the entire premise of the series. How about starting with allowing Jack to go to the bathroom now and then? Later, it's the finale of Heroes (NBC, 9 pm) in which a hero blows up and destroys the city. Look out! There's gonna be a nerd-splosion!

TUESDAY: Say good-bye to another season of Dancing with the Stars (ABC, 8 pm)—just like Heather Mills' leg, it will be missed. And it could be the final, FINAL kiss-off for Veronica Mars (CW, 8 pm)... that is, unless she can somehow get ratings like those idiotic Pussycat Dolls. Maybe they can combine the shows and Veronica can search for the Pussycats' missing self-esteem?

WEDNESDAY: Don't bother watching the American Idol finale (Fox, 8 pm): The no-neck girl is going to win, and Sanjaya's been gone for weeks. And finally, it's the slam-bang two-hour season finale of Lost (ABC, 9 pm), in which the castaways take on those pee-hole Others in a fight to the finish! Will someone you care about wind up dead? Absolutely. (Especially if I don't get off my ass and stop eating these damnably delicious fried Twinkies!)