i♥television™ 

In with the New

Look, grandpa! In case you haven't noticed, I'm a member of the "now" generation. Which means if it's "old" then it's "splitsville," DIG? Oh, that's right. I forgot you're not hep to my slango. (An amalgamation of "slang" and "lingo," just in case you're too uncool to figure that out.) In a nutshell? If it's "new," I like it; if it's "old," then I yawn in its big fat stupid face.

For example? Cell phones that play music, send messages, and broadcast TV shows. That stuff is CREAKY, daddy-o! When did that come out? Like six months ago? I've got intestinal tapeworms newer than that. I want a cell phone that does all that, PLUS makes all my calls for me so I never have to talk to another living person again. This device should be able to ring up my credit-card company and tell them, "Eff YOU, jerk-wipes! I'm not paying my bill this month, because keeping up with credit-card payments is old-timey! I'm with the NOW generation, you old bag of wet laundry!"

I am also SO sick of all those old TV shows I've been forced to watch since last fall. Lost and Heroes? Those are strictly a Rascal ride through Squaresville, man! American Idol and Dancing with the Stars? You're so old, when you broke your arm, gravy ran out. Wait. That's a "you're so fat" joke. WHATEVER! YOU'RE FAT, TOO!

As far as I'm concerned, "old" shows can suck it! That's why I'm only watching the NEW summer shows coming out this week. Such as...

Pirate Master (CBS, Thurs May 31, 8 pm). "Hold on a second, Humpy," I hear you cry. "Aren't pirates old?" Ordinarily, yes! But when Mark Burnett (Survivor) is the producer, you can bet he's going to trade fake legs for fake boobs. In this reality show, 16 wannabe pirates cruise around in a big wooden ship looking for gold doubloons and booty. And if a peg leg accidentally slips into someone's booty? So much the better.

Hex (BBC America, Sat June 2, 7 pm). You loved Buffy the Vampire Slayer, right? That is, until it got OLD. Now, Buffy's been one-upped by this super-saucy supernatural import from England. A girl at a creepy private school learns she's a witch, and gets it on with the spawn of Satan—and only her best friend (who's a lesbian ghost, natch) can save the day! That's new and improved!

Hell's Kitchen (Fox, Mon June 4, 9 pm). Okay, FINE. Hell's Kitchen isn't a new show per se, but when pee-hole chef Gordon Ramsay is involved, he's sure to have something new up his sleeve! Tune in to see Ramsay take a group of the worst cooks in the world and turn them into cooks who are marginally better than the worst. How? By shoving plates of risotto into their chests and screaming, "Move your fat ass, you pathetic donkeys!" Too mean? TOO BAD! In the new and improved world of reality television, "humor trumps cruelty"—and when Ramsay is dishing up heaping helpings of extreme humiliation, it never gets old! Dig it, daddy-o!

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