jeremy eaton

Oh, boy! Have I mentioned I love gambling? Well, I do! I love gambling! In fact, I'm just like one of those people you see on posters in casinos who've lost their home and families thanks to their addiction—except in my case, I'm smiling and haven't lost anything, because I'm making an ass-load of money! Woo-HOO!

See, it's those losers who are consistently LOSING at gambling that make it hard for those of us who win—they're giving "addiction" a bad rap! Now everybody looks at ME like I'm one of those sad sacks on the posters, when in actuality, I'm rolling in piles of moolah, and snorkeling in a gold-encrusted swimming pool filled with hookers and coke.

Here are things I like to gamble on: blackjack, baccarat, poker, roulette, pai gow, craps, sports, ponies, what type of underpants people wear, what celebrity is going to jail next, and if the next dog I see passes by a pile of cat poop, or stops to eat it. OH! And I also bet on TV. "Oh, Humpy, you poor mentally handi-capable person," I hear you cry. "Nobody bets on TV." Au contraire, mon frere! This nobody does! There's tons of thing on TV to gamble on, and for certain websites, it's big business. Take for example, bodog.com, which not only offers card games, sports betting, and horsies—you can also wager on TV and celebrity stuff, too!

For example, recent bets included "Will Tony Soprano survive the final episode of The Sopranos?" "Will America's Got Talent host David Hasselhoff eat a hamburger on screen during season two of the show?" and "Will someone be burnt or cut in the fourth episode of Hell's Kitchen 3?" I swear I'm not joking! In fact, recently the site had to suspend betting on who would eventually win Hell's Kitchen because someone on the show possibly leaked the winner's name! DAMN IT!! And I totally had $500 riding on the crying tubby Asian cowboy!

In fact the only thing wrong with this site is they don't have nearly enough TV stuff to wager on. For the love of God, why can't we bet on television questions like this?!?

• Will Katie Couric finally accept the fact that no one's watching the CBS Evening News, whip off her bra, and swing it 'round her head like a helicopter?

• Will any show on TV ever be as good as Arrested Development, or should we just say "screw it" and drink ourselves to death underneath our building's crawlspace?

• Will it turn out the big secret behind Lost is that the castaways were actually miniaturized by the communist Chinese, and are now living in a sub-microscopic world that's been injected into the intestines of a syphilitic donkey with rickets?

• And perhaps most importantly, will TV ever realize that a reality show about Humpy doing cannonballs into a swimming pool full of prostitutes and blow would be a shoe-in for at least 137 Emmy Awards?

(As far as that last one goes, if I were you? Bet your entire life savings on "YES!" C'mon... we all know it's just a matter of time!)