Jeremy Eaton

Okay, first of all you need to stop calling me a nerd. Just because I unnaturally obsess about superheroes, doesn't mean you're entitled to lump me in with the same gaggle of pencil-necked geeks I often make fun of. There's a HUGE difference between my unnat-ural obsession and theirs, and that difference is "getting hor-nay." I couldn't really give a poop whether a superhero is "saving humanity" or not—I mean, what's humanity got to do with me? I have an intense sexual lust for superheroes because... let's face it... who besides a superhero can keep up with me in the sack? I REST MY CASE. (Holy crap, I should be a lawyer; I'm SO good at this!)

Bearing this in mind, here is a list of superheroes I would pork, and would not pork.

AQUAMAN: NOT PORK! I've probably devoted more column inches to the complete uselessness of this superhero than I've actually devoted to TV. Suffice it to say, Aquaman's only ability is to swim underwater for a long time and communicate telepathically with trout. Which means the shrimp inside his tights smells like trout, too.

WONDER WOMAN: PORK! She'd break me in half, but what a way to go!

SUPERMAN: NOT PORK! Since he's invulnerable, he probably wouldn't even feel me poking around in there.

GREEN LANTERN: PORK! Not only could he use his ring to dream up all sorts of bizarre sex toys, there's like 1,000 Green Lanterns of all shapes and sizes scattered throughout the universe—and I'd pork them all!

BATGIRL: OH, HELL YEAH, I'D PORK THAT!

And as for SUPERGIRL? The "pork jury" is still out on this one. For one thing, she shares the same problem as Superman, which is that pesky "invulnerability." Now, maybe I'm wrong—maybe Supergirl is in actuality "super sensitive." In that case, I'd get so porky with her she'd think she's circling the moons of Krypton! Besides, historically speaking, Supergirl is way hot. But of course, this question can't be definitively answered until we see her on TV!

Luckily for us, we're going to get our chance. Last week, the CW network dropped a big hint about the return of their super-rific show Smallville—the adventures of an often-shirtless and hunky Superboy—and guess who's going to appear in the very first episode of the season? SUPERGIRL! This is super-exciting, because this show is famous for taking those often boring DC Comics heroes and spicing them up with a sexy dark side. On Smallville, Clark Kent can barely keep his powers and temper intact, Lex Luthor is a complicated, bald hottie, and even the occasionally appearing Aquaman has a body that would make the Gorton's Fisherman lick a fish stick.

According to the CW, the newly arriving Supergirl will be just as complicated, and in addition, will have a superpower that Clark hasn't developed yet: the ability to fly. No one has been cast in the role yet, but if you're interested you should totally try out. Especially if you're HOT. Because remember people, Humpy doesn't just pork any superhero. (Although if you show up at my office in tights, we can talk about it.)