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Pop Quiz, Hotshot!

By now, I'm sure you've noticed that I'm incredibly smart. And I'm sure you're pretty intimidated by my smartness. Well, today I'm here to say, "DON'T BE." I'm a normal person just like you—except that I'm way smarter. But don't feel bad about it. While most people use only 10 percent of their brain, I'm up to like 125 percent. "Huh, 125 percent?" I hear you cry. "That's impossible!" Yes, for most people it is—because their brains are so much smaller than mine. You see, my brain is 25 percent larger than yours, so even if you used 100 percent of your brain, I'd still be smarter, because I'm using the entire 125 percent of mine. Confused? Ha, ha, haaaaaaaaa... that's to be expected. Don't worry your pretty little significantly smaller brain about it.

There are drawbacks to being so smart, however. For example, my braininess sometimes scares off the chicks. Not only are they intimidated by my smartiness, they're often taken aback by the size of my head, which is kind of... ohhhh... bulbous due to my extra-large brain. And my brain veins kind of stick out, too. And kind of... mmmmm... "pulsate" when I'm thinking really hard about something. And it makes a weird humming sound, too. But people are always frightened of things they don't understand, and ESPECIALLY of super-duper-smart people such as myself. That's why I don't care what people think. It's not like I'm lonely or anything.

Anyway! Normally, my job as a TV columnist is excruciating, because everything on television is soooooo... frakking... DUMB. I'm serious! Even when I watch PBS, I'm like, "Where did they find these retards? [Eye roll!]" That's why I'm especially happy when a show comes along that really gets my brain moving and veins throbbing. My favorite is called The World Series of Pop Culture (VH1, Sun July 8, 11 pm), and it's the most cunningly devised and addictive trivia show ever! (Listen to me. I'm smart.)

Hosted by the wonderfully droll NY1 news anchor Pat Kiernan, The World Series of Pop Culture gathers the brainiest three-person trivia teams from around the country and peppers them with ridiculously hard questions regarding TV, music, and film. Here's how it works: Two teams meet onstage, Pat announces a category, and each team has 30 seconds to choose a teammate to go braino a braino with the opposing team member. Pat asks a question, such as, "What is the name of the mountain Lane Meyer (John Cusack) skied down in Better Off Dead? (Answer: "K-12"—OF COURSE!!! DUH!!!) However, if a contestant were stupid enough to miss this mind-numbingly easy question, his competitor would have the chance to steal. At the end of each category, the person with the fewest correct answers is unceremoniously kicked off the show. BECAUSE HE'S DUMB! HA!! This wickedly fun show continues until every member of every team is gone, except for the most BRAINIEST TRIVIA TEAM OF THEM ALL! (Of which, inexplicably, I am not a member. Probably because I'm way too smart. Or maybe it's because they're creeped out by my throbbing brain vein. I'm so very lonely.)

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