Jeremy Eaton

As you've probably heard, last week's announcement that the WB and UPN will be joining forces to create one slightly more popular network was every TV geek's wet dream. I mean, C'MON! My remote finger was getting absolutely fatigued switching back and forth between Veronica Mars (UPN) and Smallville (WB). Now I can use that finger for other things... such as... (Do you really want to know? OF COURSE YOU DO! Suffice it to say, I have a very flexible and wiggly finger.)

For those that didn't hear, here's the word straight from the mouths of the muckety-mucks: This new network will be called "the CW," which is an amalgamation of parent companies CBS Corp. and Warner Bros., and will kick off this fall, offering the very best of both networks. This includes such heavy hitters as the WB's Smallville, Gilmore Girls, and Beauty and the Geek, as well as UPN stalwarts America's Next Top Model, Everybody Hates Chris, and Veronica Mars. Unfortunately, WWE Smackdown will also be invited along for the ride—as this show appeals to the "hayseed-chewing, screwing-your-sister-behind-the-barn" demographic.

Smackdown aside, this decision makes all the business sense in the world. While both networks had some great shows, neither had the necessary reach to duke it out with the big four (ABC, CBS, NBC, and Fox). Now they have roughly six shows that are hot shit among the 18–34 demo... and how many does ABC have? Let's see... they have Lost... and ummm... Dancing with the Stars... and ummm... Lost... and ummm, you get the point.

In fact, there are no real downsides to the UPN/WB merger—unless you're unfortunate enough to be BLACK. UPN was pretty much holding down the fort within the "urban-adult" demographic, with such shows as Eve, Half & Half, Love Inc. and... you've never even heard of these shows have you? That's because you're a HONKY! You can be embarrassed if you like, but I wouldn't sweat it—most honkies I know love black people, and yet they've never watched a single one of these shows. Generally speaking, honkies are too busy eating mayonnaise sandwiches and cataloguing their Burt Bacharach albums to watch UPN.

However, since these "non-honky" shows carry such low ratings, I'd be very surprised indeed if any of these programs (other than Everybody Hates Chris) make the new fall lineup. ON THE OTHER HAND, "the CW" is not about to give up UPN's black viewership, so I predict they will come up with a fiendishly clever scheme to retain that audience, such as...

Black Gilmore Girls (debuting this fall on the new CW!): Kim "Tootie from Facts of Life" Fields and that girl from That's So Raven star as an "urban" mother-and-daughter team—who talk twice as fast as "white" Gilmore Girls! That's fast.

Black Aquaman (debuting this fall on the new CW!): Twice as sexy as honky Aquaman. Added twist: It's about a black guy who can actually swim!

Everybody Hates White Chris (debuting this fall on the new CW!): Everybody loves to hate white Chris. Especially black people.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 2

8:00 ABC SMALLVILLE

A new masked avenger in town teaches Clark how to get revenge for his dead pop!

8:00 CBS SURVIVOR: EXILE ISLAND

Season Premiere! This year's twist? A castaway is separated from the group on a deserted island. Sounds like paradise to me.

9:00 FOX THE O.C.

Summer finds out that Seth is a stoopid, fawking pothead.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 3

8:00 DSC GRIZZLY MAN—Documentary

(2005) Werner Herzog's brilliant doc about bear-lovin' eccentric Timothy Treadwell.

10:00 SCI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

Starbuck has an interstellar freakout while piloting her Viper.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 4

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

It's geriatric wash-up night with host Steve Martin and musical guest Prince.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 5

3:00 ABC SUPERBOWL

Okay, apparently there's some sort of football game going on today. (Oh, fine. GO SEAHAWKS!)

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 6

8:00 FOX SKATING WITH CELEBRITIES

It's down to the four remaining celebs. Who will win and who will suffer extensive brain trauma?

9:00 FOX 24

So it's hour number five, which means Jack is gonna need to go to the bathroom soon.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 7

9:00 UPN GET THIS PARTY STARTED

Debut! Commoners get help throwing the party of their dreams. Hosted by that chick from Laguna Beach.

10:00 FX THE SHIELD

Kavanaugh bugs the Strike Team clubhouse, and is shocked by the extent of the filthy language.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 8

9:00 UPN VERONICA MARS

Veronica goes after the jerk who stole the money set aside for the senior trip! JERK!

9:00 ABC LOST

The tribe goes after the jerk who tried to kidnap Sun! JERK!