Oh, don't you threaten ME, television! [Note to readers: Don't ever get into an argument with me, because (A) I refuse to use logic, and (B) I start rocking my head back and forth and shaking my finger in the air, like I was a cast member of Living Single.] Don't think FOR ONE SECOND that you can give me summers of great programming and then suddenly turn around and offer me a pile of poop on a paper plate! OHHHHH, don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about! The viewing choices you've offered this summer have been SUBPAR at best. I mean... C'MON!! Pirate Master? You've gotta be kidding me. On the Lot? Puh-LEEEZE! Even old standbys such as Rescue Me, Big Love, and Top Chef have lost their sizzle. That's why I've decided enough is enough! I've already packed your bags and put them on the front lawn, so why don't you call up that ho you've been running around with and ask her to...

What? I'm sorry... what's that? You have THREE great new shows debuting this week? Well! TELL ME MORE...

• Mad Men (AMC, debuts Thurs July 19, 10 pm). Picture, if you will, a dead-on and hilarious portrayal of advertising execs in 1960. Not only does Mad Men nail the period details (from the clothes to the racism to the glass ceiling the ladies are continually bumping their heads against), it's also a sharp-as-a-tack, cynical take on how Madison Avenue sold America on everything from "healthy" smokes to "trustworthy" politicians (Nixon). Plus it's funny. And it has sex. WHOOO!

• The Kill Point (SPIKE, debuts Sun July 22, 9 pm). If you're a lover of down 'n' dirty cop dramas (like The Shield), then be sure to check out The Kill Point, featuring John Leguizamo and former "New Kid on the Block" Donnie Wahlberg! (EEEE! New Kids on the Block! EEEEEEEEE!!! Unfortunately, this show isn't about them.) This Tarantinoesque crime show revolves around a bank robbery gone bad, where hostages are taken and tense negotiations ensue. What's different is that the robbers (led by Leguizamo) are all Iraq War veterans—meaning the reason they robbed the bank was... ummm... complicated. Expect suspense, political intrigue, a touch of sex, a modicum of funny, and plenty of hot NKOTB action! WHOOO!

• Damages (FX, debuts Tues July 24, 10 pm). While the image of Glenn Close's polyester-clad posterior shaking in The Big Chill may be permanently (and horribly) etched on my mind, I'm still willing to give her new lawyer-ific drama Damages a chance. Close is a high-powered celebrity attorney known for winning cases and ruining people's careers, who—along with an up-and-coming lawyer—gets embroiled in an icky murder mystery that involves very powerful people indeed. Tons of intrigue and whip-smart acting punctuate this show that plays like a Veronica Mars for the older set. Oh, and it's occasionally funny and has some sex. WHOOO!

Okay, TV. You can pick your bags up off the lawn and come back in... for now. But unless you start washing dishes and picking your underpants up off the floor, you are OUTTA HERE!