jeremy eaton

I'm a busy guy... OKAY?! And that's why it's imperative that I follow a very strict daily calendar in order to fulfill myriad EXTREMELY IMPORTANT duties. Need an example of an average Humpy day? NO PROBLEM. Here's my schedule for Wednesdays—10 am: consider getting up. 11:30 am: really get up. Noon: eat two chicken-fried steaks for breakfast. 12:30 pm: realize that chicken-fried steaks aren't really made of chicken; they're steaks. 1–4 pm: nap. 5 pm: check gossip sites to see if any of my sex tapes have leaked. 6 pm: write angry emails to gossip sites asking why they haven't leaked any of my sex tapes. 7 pm: Wheel of Fortune, bitches! 7:30 p.m.: chicken-fried steak. But at 8 pm? That's when problems arise.

In the past, Wednesdays have never been an issue when it comes to TV watching. Last season, for example, your only choices were either Lost or another of the 27 episodes of Dancing with the Stars airing that week. Thursdays used to be the problem... but no more! For some reason the networks have declared Wednesday the new "screw with the viewers' heads" night, dog piling a poop-load of watchable shows directly across from each other's time slots. So which ones do you watch, and which ones get discarded like a used pair of panties on a busy street corner? Here's my advice.

First of all, buy a TiVo or a DVR. Seriously, people, if you haven't invested in one of these technological timesaving marvels, you're really screwing yourself out of enjoying one of the greatest inventions of the century—not counting the Topsy Tail™. (Remember that? One device capable of creating 12 sensational hairstyles? That's what I call "innovation," bitches! Okay, fine. I'll stop calling you "bitches.") Anyway, buy a TiVo, and heed the following instructions.

AT 8 PM ON WEDNESDAYS: You've got three choices: America's Next Top Model (the CW), Kid Nation (CBS), and Pushing Daisies (ABC). This one's easy—watch the always-amazing Top Model live and record the groundbreaking Pushing Daisies. Screw Kid Nation. Who gives a crap about kids anyway?

AT 9 PM ON WEDNESDAYS: This one's a bit tougher. There's Bionic Woman (NBC), Private Practice (ABC), Gossip Girl (the CW), and Kitchen Nightmares (FOX). First things first, throw the bullpoopy Grey's Anatomy spin-off Private Practice into the bull pooper. If I were you, I'd watch Bionic Woman, and record Gossip Girl (unless you enjoy watching dickhole limeys yelling at people... then record Chef Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares).

AT 10 PM ON WEDNESDAYS: Finally, an easy choice. There's Dirty Sexy Money (ABC), The Sarah Silverman Program (Comedy Central, at 10:30 pm), and there's also turning off the TV and having a pleasant, perhaps stimulating conversation with a lover or friend. My choice? Watch the devilish Dirty Sexy Money with the underrated Peter Krause, record the hilariously offensive The Sarah Silverman Program (which is even better this season), and tell your lover and friends to "eff off, bitches!"

Notice how I didn't call YOU "bitches"? See? I think I'm really evolving here.