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Here's Your Problem

Another thing I'm really good at? Pointing out other people's problems. You know how psychiatrists work, right? I'm kind of the opposite. Instead of identifying and helping solve the problems, I just point them out. That way I'm not wasting my time, and can really focus on picking apart the problems of a lot of people at once.

Example? Here's your problem: You're insecure, and spend your life with your head up your ass. You drive too much, you eat too much, and your genitalia is too small. (This especially goes for the second Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey.) See? Did you see how I did that? I laid out your primary problems in no uncertain terms, and then immediately turned my back on you... because, C'MON! I can't cure tiny genitalia.

I should really go into business for myself. I can see the ad now: "WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM? Now you can find out the truth with the help of highly paid corporate consultant Wm.™ Steven Humphrey. By the way, your breath smells like someone farted into an onion." WOW! My only problem is I should've realized how brilliant I am sooner! In fact, my first assignment as a highly paid problem consultant should be for the networks—which have so many problems, I hardly know where to start. Mmmmm... not true. I'll start here:

Gossip Girl (The CW, Wed, 9 pm). Okay, the reason everyone is vaguely dissatisfied, yet still watches you, is simple: You're like The O.C.'s special-ed class. You've got too many characters, and yet they're all reminiscent of The O.C.'s worst character, Marissa Cooper! Even your "Seth" character is as bland as Marissa—and in case you haven't figured it out... I HATE MARISSA! She single-handedly drove that show off a cliff. Why? Because Marissa's problem is that she was a whiny skinny hag with a drinking addiction and a permanent yeast infection. (NOTE: I have no real medical evidence of a yeast infection—but it would certainly explain a lot.)

Bionic Woman (NBC, Wed, 9 pm). Okay, first of all, if you have a bionic arm, eye, ear, and legs—STOP BITCHING ABOUT IT. Seriously, what could be more awesome? And yet all Jaime Sommers does is NAG, NAG, NAG. Secondly, the scripts have all the intelligence of a love letter written by a fourth grader to Hanson. Thirdly, when your EVIL bionic woman (Katee Sackhoff) is hotter and more interesting than the GOOD bionic woman? Well... that's a problem, isn't it?!?

Mister Rogers' Neighborhood (PBS, Mon-Fri, consult local listings). Where do I start? There's no need to remove your coat and shoes inside... and then replace them with another coat and pair of shoes! And why wait until the end of the show to feed the goldfish? They're STARVING, jerkhole! Plus the trolley line going through the Neighborhood of Make-Believe should be extended to the outlying, less affluent areas of Make-Believe. And why does Henrietta Pussycat have to interject "meow meow" into every sentence? Either speak ENGLISH or CAT... okay?? (I could go on, but this is when I turn my back on you. Good luck!)

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