As you may have heard, TV writers are currently on STRIKE... which, for all practical purposes, kind of puts TV columnists out of work, too! Did these bitches ever stop to consider MY feelings? Seriously... NOW what am I supposed to write about?! I suppose I could recount some of my more interesting sexual exploits... but how would that be different from my last 347 columns?
I will say this, however—I do feel sorry for these writers who are getting robbed by the studios. For those who couldn't give two poops about labor disputes, here's the writers' strike sitch in a nutshell: Usually, TV writers are paid one sum for an original script and then additional dough every time that show is repeated. However, nowadays the studios rarely show repeats, sending their series straight to DVD—and writers aren't getting jack from those sales. They're also not getting paid for any shows that wind up on the internet (such as on iTunes), even though these programs are still packed with commercials. See? These guys are getting dicked around... and not in a fun, arousing way!
HOWEVER! While I'm wholeheartedly in favor of more money for the handful of excellent writers who produce entertaining, thought-provoking TV (such as 30 Rock, The Office, and Mad Men), why should they share the same benefits as those who produce CRAP (such as Bionic Woman, Two and a Half Men, and any show with CSI or Law & Order in the title)? That's why I'm forming a NEW union called the TV Critic and Watchers Guild (TCWG), and we're going to start making a few demands of our own! Would you like to join? OH, GOODY. Even better, if the studios and writers don't meet our lengthy list of demands... THEN WE STRIKE!! YAY, ME!!! (Wow. I had a real "Norma Rae" moment there.) Anyway... on to the TCWG's demands:
DEMAND #1: I want more "topless Kate scenes" in Lost. I mean... the union wants more topless Kate scenes. (Actually, this works in the studios' favor—who needs "writers" when Kate is just standing around topless for an hour?)
DEMAND #2: CBS needs to cease existing—as of now. Seriously, name one good CBS show. Nope, that's a bad show. When CBS quits showing crappy programs, then that money can go to writers who actually deserve it (which will hopefully make them stop crying like a pile of tubby goddamn babies and get back to work). See? Everybody wins!
DEMAND #3: Cancel The Singing Bee, Don't Forget the Lyrics, Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader, Deal or No Deal, and only allow American Idol and Dancing with the Stars to be shown ONCE per week. 'NUFF SAID!!
DEMAND #4: And finally, the union would like the studios to set up an... ummm... "TV escort service" (prostitution is such an icky word), where they... ummm... "encourage" their hottest stars to sleep with us. (Note to union members: We don't want to sleep with TV's hottest writers, because as we all know, writers are ugly. And there ain't no amount of money that can change that.)