Happy Thanksgiving, motherfreakers! OR IS IT? If you're anything like me, expressing an emotion even faintly resembling "thankfulness" has become a near impossibility. How am I supposed to be "thankful" for the three inches of gum and dog feces caked on my shoe? How am I supposed to be "thankful" when the Eagles have the number-one album, while New Kids on the Block are eating out of a garbage can? How am I supposed to be "thankful" when every single sexually harassing love letter I send to the cast of Degrassi High gets returned unopened—AND gets my computer confiscated by the FBI?!
As you can clearly see, I have it "worse" than you. HOWEVER! Since it is beneath me to complain about my sorry, pathetic lot in life, today I'm only going to focus on things I am "thankful" for. Such as TELEVISION. Oh, what joy my television brings—even when 80 percent of it is written by a bunch of no-talent hacks who don't deserve a raise. Take this week for example! Here are some shows that could even make ME feign an emotion somewhat similar to being thankful!
• Chowdown: The Turkey Bowl (Spike, Thurs Nov 22, 11 am). Think your Aunt Maureen is a filthy, disgusting pig at the Thanksgiving table? Well, she ain't got nothing on champion eaters Joey Chestnut and Takeru Kobayashi, who will be going head to head to see who can consume an entire 20-pound turkey in under eight minutes! Joining them in this gastronomical exhibition will be "El Toro" Jimenez and Erik "Steakbellie" Livingston, competing to see who can cram the most cranberry sauce down their gullets. Yes, I'm thankful! Thankful there's a few people who still know what America is all about: morbid obesity! USA! USA! USA!
• Battlestar Galactica: Razor (Sci Fi Network, Sat, Nov 24, 9 pm). During these dark days of the writers' strike and a new season filled with tepid shows, thank the gods for this NEW two-hour Battlestar Galactica movie event! This flick jumps back in time to depict Commander Lee Adama's first mission as commander of the Pegasus. Don't have the slightest idea what I'm talking about? Let me put it this way... BOOM! POW!! Ker-BLAM! FIGHT! FIGHT! RAT-A-TAT-TAT! PEW! PEW! KA... BLOOOOOMY! (That's the sound of my nerdgasm.)
• Kenny vs. Spenny (Comedy Central, Sun Nov 25, 11:30). One of my fave reality shows, Kenny vs. Spenny pits two best friends against each other in the most mind-numbingly STOOPID competitions ever. And this week, they're taking on their most difficult task: a competition sensitively entitled, "First Guy to Get a Boner Loses." Boy, I'm thankful I'm not in that competition.
• Dancing with the Stars (ABC, Tues Nov 27, 9 pm). It's the season finale of the most annoying dance contest on TV, and I'm thankful I've finally decided to NEVER WATCH THIS SHOW AGAIN. (Unless, of course, they cast someone from Degrassi—then I'm going to sexually harass the crap out of them!)