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Shotgun Wedding

As you may have heard, American Idol returns to TV this week (Fox, Tues Jan 15, 8 pm), which means I'm going to buy a shotgun to blow my head off (Wal-Mart, Mon Jan 14, on sale $24.99). Don't these Idol people have any respect for the sanctity of human life? They know how I feel about them, and yet they still return year after year after year—like that unusual sore on my dainty parts (which, BTW, has been officially diagnosed and is NOT an STD).

Anyhoo, this year's American Idol is sure to be more annoying than ever—because, thanks to the writers' strike, they're practically the only game in town! In fact, it wouldn't surprise me in the least if they CAUSED the writers' strike, just to eliminate any possible competition! Those... sneaky... BASTARDS!!

It's like I always say: Every person associated with American Idol is a freaking LIAR—yet, that's half the reason I still watch it. Curse you, Ryan Seacrest: You know I can't resist your desperate attempts to hide your sexuality (just admit you're STRAIGHT, already)! Damn you, Randy "Check It Out, Dog" Jackson: When will you admit you're WHITE? Eff you, Paula Abdul: People botch lobotomies all the time... so fess up! And finally, crap YOU, Simon Cowell: You have a magnificent pair of flabby man titties—and yet you refuse to share them with the world!

However! If by some remote chance Wal-Mart's shotgun aisle is empty and I'm still alive on Tuesday, I suppose I'll end up watching the auditions (or as I like to call them, American Idol: Special Olympics). But it's only because I have a weird fascination with people humiliating themselves. To partially mask my shame, here are a few other shows debuting this week that you should definitely watch instead of Idol. (That is, if you can't figure out how to load your shotgun.)

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (Fox, Sun Jan 13, 8 pm). Keep your fingers crossed and HOPE this show will make up for the craptacular Bionic Woman. Sick and tired of running from those d-head tin-can Terminators from the future, harried mom Sarah Connor (along with son and future rebellion leader John) decide to fight back by sticking their feet up Arnold Schwarzenegger's ass. (NOTE: I have a sinking feeling Schwarzenegger isn't going to be in this show.)

Reno 911! (Comedy Central, Wed Jan 16, 10:30 pm). One of the funniest and darkest sitcoms on TV is back for its fifth season! This week: Gay prostitute Terry returns to show off his new fiancée—and yes, it's a girl. So... how do they have sex? According to Terry, "We go into the bedroom, we get nude, I can't get hard, and then I vomit."

My Big Redneck Wedding (CMT, Fri Jan 11, 9:30 pm). Tom "Now I'm Officially Washed Up" Arnold hosts this new show about hillbilly weddings, including a billy goat that's a maid of honor, mud-wrestling receptions, and (I assume) extreme confusion after one hayseed divorces his cousin to marry his sister. Hey! But I bet I can borrow his shotgun!

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