Guess what? I just ate an entire pork log! But here's the funny thing: I didn't even know it was a pork log when I bought it! See, I was at this Vietnamese grocery store purchasing one of those crazy delicious banh mi sandwiches (you should try one), and the pork logs were sitting right next to them. But I had no idea what it was! They're brown like a sandwich, and they're cylindrical like a sandwich. So I asked the Vietnamese counter lady, "Hey... is this a sandwich?" And she said something like, "Puk lug." I said, "Excuse me?"
Somewhere in the back of my head I was thinking, "Did she just say 'pork log'?" Then I thought, "Noooo. Couldn't be. It's right there with the sandwiches." So I pointed at it again, and asked the lady a little too loudly, "IS THERE PORK INSIDE OF THIS?" She looked at me like I was probably insane, and said, "Uhhh... yeah." That's all I needed to hear. I BOUGHT IT!
Anyway, the pork log is about the size of a hoagie, yet mysteriously weighed at least eight pounds. I carried it away, cradled in my arms, stroking it like a cat. Even when I was unwrapping it I was still 94 percent sure it was a sandwich. Then I bit into it.
"WAITASECOND... THAT'S NO SANDWICH," I yelled. "THAT'S A PORK LOG!" Unfortunately, it was kind of delicious. I say "unfortunately" because I ate all eight pounds in roughly 37 minutes.
What do pork logs have to do with TV? Just this: Your television is like a pork log. Now, you can be an idiot (like me) and eat your entire pork log in well under an hour, or you can bite off three delicious hunks and be satisfied for days as the hunks slowly decompose in your stomach. May I suggest these three hunks of pork?
• Rock the Cradle (MTV, Thurs April 3, 10 pm). It's humiliating enough to be the son or daughter of a famous rock star—so why not pit them against each other in an American Idol–style singing competition? Get ready to groan in horrified satisfaction as Jesse Money (daughter of Eddie), Crosby Loggins (son of Kenny), Lil Al B. Sure (son of "big" Al B. Sure), and many more compete to see who can be the least disappointing to their parents!
• Battlestar Galactica (SCIFI, Fri April 4, 10 pm). WHOOPEE! It's the fourth-season premiere of BSG, and no, that's not a pork log in my pants! Though Apollo swears he saw her viper explode, Starbuck mysteriously returns to the Galactica to reunite with her Cylon hubby (who secretly wants to slip her his mechanical log of pork).
• Secret Talents of the Stars (CBS, Tues April 8, 10 pm). D-list celebs battle to see who's the most "secretly talented." Will it be Star Trek's George Takei, who's also a C&W singer? Or wrestler Ric Flair, trying to salsa dance? Or will it be world-famous TV columnist Wm.™ Steven Humphrey eating an eight-pound pork log? Like the pork log's list of ingredients—the possibilities are endless!