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Sieg Heil, Jughead!

Out of my way, bitches! I've got just a few days to make my greatest dream come true, and if any of you try to stop me? You'll get a kick in the baloney hole! HOWEVER! I'll pause to explain why I'm in such a rush, because (a) as a faithful I Love Television™ reader you deserve to know how I intend to become so famous, and (b) you are going to be sooooooo JEALOUS.

Ever heard of a little TV movie entitled

High School Musical? Wait... you're kidding me, right? YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL?? It's only the most crazily popular teen flick EVER, and it's made a bazillion dollars in product licensing from DVDs, backpacks, books, videogames, lip gloss, thongs—anything a prepubescent could want! Plus, all the stars were super-duper NOBODIES—way less famous than me—and now, they're richer than Midas and worshipped by every teenybopper on the planet!

The movie's plot? That's not important. But in a nutshell, it's the same old "boy meets girl" bullpoop—except because this is a Disney production, nobody has sex or herpes. What we should be concerned about right now is my impending fame and wealth... because on Sunday, April 27, they're casting for the new competitive reality show entitled High School Musical: Summer Session! And I'm going to enter, and yes, win it!

Though wasting their time, teens from all over the country will be auditioning for this show, which tests their singing/dancing/performing ability—with the winner (me) receiving a buttload of cash, entry into a summer musical training program, and (get this) "becoming a part of the High School Musical family!" EEEEEEEEEEE! Omigod, I'm going to be so rich, and I'm going to use my wealth to ruin all of your lives! Haaaaa-haaaaa-haaaaaa! Wait... what's that? Voters at home decide who stays and who leaves the show? Oh. FORGET THAT "RUINING YOUR LIVES" PART.

Naturally, there's one slight problem. Apparently this competition is only open to those between the ages of 16 and 22—and I'm a weeeeeeee bit older than that. BUT NO WORRIES. I have a foolproof plan to sneak by these ageist discriminators, and that's to dress up like Jughead from the Archie comics. See, everybody else will be trying to look all "cool" and "hep," but when they see me, they'll be all like, "Oh! With all these hep kids around, we totally need a Jughead for contrast!" THEN? When the pack gets whittled down to six or seven contestants, I'll whip off my Jughead vest and crown, and say, "Ah-HAH! I'm actually cool and hep!" The other kids will say, "Oh, shit!" and my surge in popularity will carry me to the winner's seat and my newfound fame and riches, which I will then use to torture the rest of humani... mmmmm... forget that last part.

The actual show will be debuting on ABC on July 20, and downloadable applications are available at abc.com/hsmsummersession—but don't apply, unless you enjoy being humiliated by a Gen X-er in a Jughead outfit. So... WATCH OUT WORLD! Jughead is about to crush you like a freaking grape, aaaand... shutting up now.

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