I've got a bone to pick with you, television! As everyone CLEARLY knows, this weekend the new Iron Man movie (starring Robert Downey Jr.) hits the theaters—which means no one in the entire world will be watching ANY television this week, because they're gonna be too freaking PSYCHED! Seriously, who gives two Frito-flavored poots about those milky-licking contestants on American Idol when freaking IRON MAN is blowing shit up with his repulsor ray? PEW! PEW-PEW-PEW! KA-THOOOOM!!
In fact, I wouldn't blame television if it just quit. After all, once people get a load of this Iron Man movie, how can TV possibly hope to compete? Sure... maybe in 50 years or so, people will finally calm down enough to stop talking about how awesome Iron Man is, and consider watching a TV show again. But I kind of doubt it. Iron Man is so freaking cool, I'm strongly considering renaming my column "I [heart] Iron Man, Pew, Pew, Ka-thoom."
HOWEVER! Before TV retires for at least half a century, it should ask itself one question: Would IRON MAN quit so easily? Consider, if you will, Iron Man's alter ego, Tony Stark. A drunken billionaire industrialist (not unlike myself), Stark is kidnapped by a gang of stinking godless Commies. But when faced with this overwhelming Red obstacle, does he roll over and suffocate in a puddle of his own upchuck? HELL TO THE NO. Instead, he picks himself up, drinks a couple cups of coffee, and builds himself a kick-assy suit of armor. A couple of "PEW! PEW! KA-THOOMS!" later, there's a pile of dead Commies on the floor, and the invincible Iron Man is born!
Now, why can't you do something like that, TV? Instead of sitting there on your fat tuckus watching the awesome Iron Man movie pass you by, you should be loading up your schedule with "all Iron Man—all the time!" True, you are broadcasting a mini-marathon of the classic 1994 Iron Man cartoon (Toon Disney, Sun May 4, 7–10 pm), and for that we're thankful. But you're stopping there?!? Here are three great ways to include more "Iron" in your diet, "man." (GET IT?!?)
• At least one major character on every show should dress up like Iron Man. For example? Project Runway judge Michael Kors could dress up like Iron Man. Or all the guys on SportsCenter. Or the one black lady on Lost.
• Instead of only featuring cops on Cops, have an entire episode devoted to Iron Man answering normal police calls. I would pay some serious money to see Iron Man use his repulsor ray on a shirtless drunk.
• Iron Man can sell stuff, too. If advertisers are so concerned about viewers fast-forwarding past their commercials, why aren't they using more Iron Man? He could easily sell motor oil, cereal, diuretics... ooh! And he could be in one of those Mac computer ads where the skinny hipster makes fun of the fat guy! Fat guy could say, "PCs are the best!" and then Iron Man could fly in and blow his guts out. PEW! PEW-PEW! KA-THOOOM!
He can sell can openers, too.