I'm Staying Home 

MAGICAL CRAP WE LOVE, PART I

The faun-filled phantasm of Pan's Labyrinth reminded us of all the other magical crap we love. Here's the

first installment—featuring "dragon-rods," loincloths, and oiled pectorals!

Dungeons & Dragons (2000)—I can't prove it, but I feel like I might be Earth's only human who's watched this movie all the way through. (Definitely the only female.) A thief and his team of ragtag rapscallions have to help a whiny empress find a magical dragon-rod and save the kingdom from Jeremy Irons. Marlon Wayans is constantly screaming like a little baby child. Thora Birch's ta-tas are humongous. Prepare to learn more than you ever wanted to know about dwarf sex. ("Hair on her chin you can hang on to!" HUMP HUMP HUMP!) Or, oh wait—instead, you could just never watch this movie ever.

Legend (1985)—Okay. I have about 10,000 questions. First of all, the concept of "evil" doesn't make any sense. I mean, what does a goblin DO all day? Does a goblin have a wife? A baby? A house? Does a goblin, like, fix the gutters? Did he go through puberty and feel confused about his changing body? How come nobody will let a goblin live his life without yelling about how evil he is? Maybe princess brains are just his food! And anyway, why don't unicorns start making some baby unicorns, so then we wouldn't have this "last unicorn" problem everyone's always worried about, and everyone wouldn't be mad at goblins all the time? God.

The Beastmaster (1982)—A friend of mine was on the bus the other day and overheard a man boast, "At home I have a king's ransom of leather-wear!" A king's ransom, you say? Exactly how much leather-wear does it TAKE to ransom a king? I'm pretty sure beefcake actor John Amos found out the hard way in The Beastmaster, as he spends most of the movie prancing about in a studded black leather loincloth, searching for a missing king with the help of a couple of ferrets. Oh man. I could watch this shit forever.

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