Of Wikipedia's 7.5 million web pages, Bruce Willis has the very best one. "Walter Bruce Willis (born March 19, 1955) is a two-time Emmy Award-winning, Golden Globe-winning American actor and singer," the legend begins, and it continues with some Amazing Willis Facts™: Instead of going to college, "Willis farmed sheep in a mining village in Alabama"; Willis was once a real-life private investigator; he has a car named after him (Japan's "Subaru Legacy Touring Bruce"). In 2002, he bought 12,000 boxes of Girl Scout cookies and sent them to American troops, and it's rumored that he offered a $1 million bounty for the head of Osama bin Laden. Oh, and there's also his album, The Return of Bruno, on which Willis does one hell of a cover of "Secret Agent Man."
But the modern-day god that is Willis really began with Die Hard, in which Bruce walked barefoot over broken glass and dropped that dick Hans Gruber out of a skyscraper's window. Perfect movies are rare, but this is one of them, and to this day, it reminds us, his disciples, why Bruce rules—because of his successes (Pulp Fiction, Twelve Monkeys, The Fifth Element, Sin City, Lucky Number Slevin, Fast Food Nation) and despite his failures (Hudson Hawk, Look Who's Talking, those weird Friends episodes in which he was Rachel's dad or some such bullshit). And in between: So much mediocre stuff that, late at night, IMDB.com desperately, silently wishes a freak power surge would destroy its database so it doesn't have to host a page for Death Becomes Her.
But this isn't about how much mediocre crap Willis has been in (a lot). It's about how Willis is fucking awesome even when he's in crap—and when he's in good stuff, he's pretty much the coolest guy ever. You know it, I know it, 80 billion international moviegoers know it: Bruce Willis is The Man.
One more Amazing Willis Fact™: A few weeks ago, Japan's National Public Safety Commission named Bruce Willis "honorary chief of the cyberterrorism task force." Sleep well, Japanese. You are safe. Bruce Willis is watching over you.