I'm Staying Home 

Transformers and Friends

I was in jail (don't ask) the last time Transformers: The Movie played the Clinton St. Theater, but I'll be front and center when it plays again this Friday (see Movie Times, pg.45), waiting with bated breath for the scene where one of the robots in disguise says "shit"—a moment that fucking upturned my world as a kid. Here's hoping the me of today doesn't hate it like I hate all the other movies I loved as a kid. Check out our list of awesome toy-based '80s shit that ruled hard during its time.

Masters of the Universe (1987)—This one isn't animated, but it does star the ridiculously retarded Dolph Lundgren as He-Man, midget superstar Billy Barty (as mystical dwarf Gwildor), and Courteney "White as Hell" Cox as a California waitress who discovers the "Cosmic Key" and is thrown into the battle when He-Man and Skeletor are catapulted into modern day.

Voltron: Defender of the Universe (1984)—This TV show featured dorky anime kids flying around in spaceships shaped like lions that would come together to form a giant murderous robot with white, soulless eyes. (A metaphor for socialism?) Great TV series. Lots of savage ultra-violence. Best episode titles of all time: "Castle of Lions and Five Secret Keys," "Marla Queen of the Darkness," "Zarkon's Revenge," "Blue Robots Revenge," and, best of all, "The Return of Sven," which makes me wanna play squealy air guitar outta sheer joy.

G.I. Joe: The Movie (1987)—Now that I think of it, this one was pretty terrible. Warmongering Joes take on sinister Cobra. (Did they ever call them terrorists? Because that's what they were, right?) It wasn't anything all that revelatory and different than the series, and the only redeeming quality was WWF wrestler Sgt. Slaughter playing himself. I think football star William "The Refrigerator" Perry might've been in this one too, but I don't remember. Best thing about him was his weapon: an iron football on the end of a chain! Fucking lethal. ADAM GNADE

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