Indoor/Outdoor 

Some "Hard" Truths About Public Sex

At a certain point in human evolution, making "crazy love" somehow became associated with having sex in public places. If one is truly, madly, crazily in love with someone else (or someone elses... ), it follows that spontaneous, breathless, fumbling public lovemaking must at some point ensue.

In practice, however, sex in public places—while a satisfying validation that those involved are indeed "into each other"—is at most tepid in terms of genuine pleasure. I assure you, I make this controversial claim from a place of actual experience, and not from the bitter heart of the guy who's always sitting on the nearby bench, trying to sneak peeks at rustling bushes. Public sex is not all it's cracked up to be. For proof, here's a rundown of some of the more common public sex locales and their myriad hazards.

The car. Sex in most cars is no easy feat. While it's possible to straddle the male wang if he positions himself just so in the reclined passenger's seat, sufficient leverage can still be a problem, making it difficult to grind down on that hard cock. The back seat is even more challenging, and you'll most likely need to switch to missionary unless the man providing the cock pounding (I'm trying to include male and female receivers here) is a midget. Generally, the receiver throws her or his legs way up in the air (which is actually a perk), and much wriggling and sweating ensues as both sides struggle to maintain purchase in the sardine-can's worth of space.

Try doggy style and you'll inevitably wind up smashing someone's face against the steamed window, or getting their hair tangled in the seatbelt. Oral sex is best reserved for when the car is actually being driven, when the passenger can lean over and get a nice slurp-angle on the driver's hoo-hah. Anywhere else in the car, forget about it—unless you're a contortionist.

The park. We'll include all public recreation areas under this one, including hiking trails and tennis courts. Park sex is best reserved for summertime, when swimsuits, short skirts, and nude beaches provide easy orifice access. Other times of year, layers of warm clothes and zippers and snaps make spontaneous intercourse much harder.

If you insist on going through with it, find a sturdy tree to lean against and do it standing up. Taking it horizontal will feel good for five minutes, and then it will very clearly not feel good.

Different terrains pose their own unique hazards. Sand, for instance, has a way of finding its way into every fleshy crack (particularly the moist ones). Like bike paths, cliff faces, and asphalt, beaches are one of the most abrasive surfaces, and will almost certainly leave you scratched and bruised (especially if you're the bottom). You don't realize how much thrashing and shoving goes on in passionate sex until your body is being thrashed and shoved in an environment not designed for passionate sex.

Hot tubs and swimming pools. Sex immersed in any kind of water is almost always shockingly unpleasant. While it seems like water is a soothing and swishy medium ideal for lovemaking, it actually washes away your skin's natural lubricant, making the sexual act akin to slapping two inner tubes together. Additionally, swimming pools and hot tubs are invariably constructed of cement, wood, marble, or some other unyielding substance that will severely hamper hardcore grind-action. The best water sex needs to happen out in the middle of the pool or swimmin' hole, where the receiver can wrap their legs around the cock-pounder. Even then some athleticism is required for the cock-pounder to safely stay afloat (or stand upright) and simultaneously thrust like a jackhammer. Drowning: It's not so sexy, is it?

Public bathrooms. When I remember the sex I've had in public restrooms, I'm appalled. Dried piss and god knows what else on the floor.... It really is one of the crazier forms of public love, if only because it's so gross. Most public bathrooms—be they in bars, airplanes, or camping sites—are generally such a mood-killer that you either need to be incredibly drunk, or incredibly turned on. Most likely you'll be wasted and it'll all happen in a rapid, fiery blur—but remember to stay in an upright position. If you absolutely must incorporate the toilet for leverage, try to have the presence of mind to lay down one of those sanitary paper toilet seat covers. (Or maybe carry some hand sanitizer.) You'll be glad you did.

Comments (2)

Showing 1-2 of 2

 
Subscribe to this thread:
Showing 1-2 of 2

Comments are closed.

From the Archives

Most Commented On

Top Viewed Stories

All contents © Index Newspapers, LLC

115 SW Ash St. Suite 600
Portland, OR 97204

Contact Info | Privacy Policy | Production Guidelines | Terms of Use | Takedown Policy