Wanna know what cracks my eggs? People who forget the true meaning of Easter. In case you've forgotten, I've been delivering baskets of treats to children for centuries... and yet? Apparently I'm "BORING" now! I guess I'm "UNCOOL" now! Suddenly candy and hard-boiled eggs aren't "HIP" now!
How do I know this? Well, according to my nephew Whiskers, my social media numbers are, quote, "in the shitter." And if I want to "change the Easter paradigm," and create "synergy between my customer base and deliverables," I have to develop a "dynamic, optics-based strategy." Look, I don't know what the fuck any of those words mean. I'm the Easter Bunny. But something's got to give, so here are a few of the new programs that I guess I'm going to "roll out" this Easter:
• Laser-Focused Social Media Branding: Whiskers thinks I should be more of a "thought leader" on Twitter, whatever that is. I also need to use more "hashtags," and say things like "oh hai!" and "bae" and "feels," which I'm pretty sure aren't even real goddamn words. Kids are also supposedly big fans of "Snapchat" these days... so I guess I'll be handing out Snapchats instead of jellybeans? I'm pretty confused about what's going on here.
• A Fresh, Streamlined Logo: Wait. I don't think I have a logo. Do I have a logo? I don't have a logo.
• Appeal to the Younger Demographic: Whiskers has assigned me "Peepz," a new marshmallow Peep "sidekick." "Peepz" wears sunglasses, a sideways baseball cap, and says things like, "If I told you where I hid the eggs, I'd have to kill you." WHAT? Whiskers also informed me that "pugs have more Instagram appeal than bunnies," and I should deliver "bacon instead of chocolate." WE CAN'T CHANGE OUR GODDAMN SPECIES, WHISKERS. ALSO, WE'RE JEWISH.
• New Content Delivery System: According to one of Whiskers' focus groups, kids "no longer 'connect' with wicker baskets, cellophane grass, and eggs." Okay, now that's just stupid! Eggs are delicious, AND they're good for you! Just ask my doctor—okay, fine, FINE! No more eggs! What do you jackass kids want? Rollerblades? Red Bulls? iPods? Pogs? Someone named "Molly"? Goddammit! Help me out here!!