It Sure is a Scientific World 

A Solution to Drinking

David Jones of Nature: The International Weekly Journal of Science recently introduced a scientific bombshell that could change the way people get screaming drunk--by injecting booze into the brain.

Jones acknowledges what doctors have known for years: the liver takes the fun out of drinking. Not only does it process and detoxify substances, it waylays them from getting where they're needed most--people's brains. Do it too much, and the liver can fail entirely.

"Direct injection seems an unattractive option," Jones admits. He has, however, found a solution. Avoid the liver, and go for the mainline. He proposes converting alcohol into a "fatty esther," such as Ethyl oleate which, due to human skin's permeability to fatty substances, could be rubbed on the neck and absorbed by the carotid artery.

Once the goo enters the body, it would instantly be hydrolysed back into alcohol, and sent directly into the awaiting brain. Jones' "rubbing alcohol" would, used in very small amounts, help boozers reach and maintain desired intoxication almost instantly.

Says Jones, "The alcohol would reach the target organ [brain] directly, without wastefully saturating all the rest of the tissues. A very small quantity would suffice; and the liver would be helpless to intervene."

Another benefit from the process, according to Jones, is that Ethyl oleate, not being made of alcohol, would be "free of excise duty" [taxes]. "Even if the law caught up with the trick and deemed ethyl esthers to be potable alcohol, the duty on such a small amount would be trivial."

For years, pharmaceutical companies have shot their wads on stupid shit, like dick fertilizer (Viagra), grow-glue for baldies, and handy squeeze bags that can be stitched into tits. Finally, there is a light of reason at the end of the proverbial tunnel. Not only will his methods keep the drunks happy, the pharmaceutical companies can benefit as well--as most drugs that are taken orally get the same liver treatment; oxidizing and diluting their fine products.

This man needs a telethon.

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