A made-in-heaven match between Hägar the Horrible and Predator, Outlander boasts what might be the most perfect concept ever imagined for a motion picture: Kainan, a grumpy space alien, crashes his spaceship in Norway in 709 AD. Kainan hasn't come to Earth alone, though—turns out an eeeeevil alien monster was onboard his ship, too, and when the monster starts killing people, Kainan has to team up with Vikings in order to take that fucker down!
And it gets even better. First, Kainan is played by James Caviezel, better known as "That Dude Who Played Jesus in The Passion of the Christ." Second, and even better, right after Space Jesus crashes, he uses his advanced space technology to learn how to speak Norse. Then he throws up, and then he says, all angry-like, "Fuuuuuuck!" Then he uses his space gun to blow the goddamn shit out of some innocent tree that's just standing there, minding its own business and growing and being a tree in Norway in 709 AD. (SPACE JESUS HATE TREES!) Third, and even better than all those other things: When the Vikings first find Space Jesus, they think he's an enemy, so they tie him up. Naturally, when a local hottie (Sophia Myles) takes pity on Space Jesus and tries to take care of him, he punches her in the face so he can escape.
Space Jesus is an awesome dude.
Then the monster shows up! Space Jesus describes it thusly to those backward Vikings: "It kills men, beasts, everything. And it smells like... like death." A better way to describe it would be: "It kills dumbass Vikings who go off into the woods alone to take leaks, and it looks like a giant CG Doberman made out of Lite-Brites." This phosphorescent monster runs around killing Vikings for a while (and, um, y'know... glowing a lot), and then, finally, the Vikings are all, "Okay, Space Jesus, show us what you got!" AND THEN THE SHIT HITS THE FAN!
Well, sort of. There's a lot more awesome silliness that I'm not even going to go into here, because I want you to discover it on your own—but let's just say it's all fantastic, and there's a truly WTF scene that happens when all the Vikings get drunk and decide to start having contests, and also, Ron Perlman is in the movie, because it's the law that Ron Perlman is in every single low-budget science-fiction movie that ever gets made. (In this one, he has a totally sweet ZZ Top-style beard!)
As foreshadowed by its half-assed theatrical release (it opened in a few cities on January 23, and is just now making it to our neck of the woods, where it's playing in a single theater in Cornelius), Outlander's kinda shitty: It's an hour too long, and you're gonna have to sit through entirely too many scenes that feel like the most boring parts of The Lord of the Rings. You're also going to have to hear the Vikings refer to Space Jesus as "Outlander" at least 9,000 times, and there's some also some bewildering stuff about how maybe everyone deserves to be killed by the monster, because Space Jesus' people took over the glowy monsters' natural habitat, thus giving the monsters an unquenchable thirst for Viking blood? I don't know. Point is, it's all insane and weird and bizarre and makes you feel like you're on drugs, complete with the morning-after fuzziness: "Did I really watch Outlander last night?" you'll say the next morning, judging yourself in your bathroom mirror. "There's no way a movie that crazy could exist! It must have been a dream. An awesome, terrible drea—"
But then you'll hear a knock on your door, and Space Jesus will be there, and he'll be all, "Fuuuuuuck! We gotta fight a monster, bro! C'mon! Ron Perlman's waiting in the car! We'll even stop at 7-Eleven and get nachos on the way! Yeah! Nachos!"
Or maybe that last part won't happen. I don't know. Even if it doesn't, I guess what I'm trying to say is that your life will improve a thousand-fold if you drive out to Cornelius to see Outlander, the movie in which Space Jesus teams up with Vikings in order to fight a monster who glows in the dark.