Last Chance Summer Dance
Sunday, Sept 2
Tom McCall Waterfront Park, $19
If you're a fan of radio friendly pop and rap (like I am!), then you're probably wondering whether you should attend Z100's Last Chance Summer Dance concert at Waterfront Park. To help make up your mind, complete the following handy quiz! How many of the following phrases apply to you? I don't know! Let's find out!
YES OR NO "The Z100 Morning Zoo is hilarious! Get it? They call it a 'zoo,' because the DJs are like ANIMALS! They're CRAZY! Ahhh, tres amusant Morning Zoo! Tres Amusant!"
YES OR NO "I'm going to the Last Chance Summer Dance because it's sponsored by the Shane Company! I did beer bongs with Tom Shane once, and that dude fucking ROCKS!"
YES OR NO "Billy Idol is gonna be playing! See? Punk isn't dead! (Though I'm pretty sure it's wearing adult diapers.)"
YES OR NO "Smash Mouth? I LOVE Smash Mouth! They're like the Spin Doctors without the Pepsi ad!"
YES OR NO "Lifehouse okay, they were on VH1's Bands on the Run, right? Along with Flickerstick and Soul Cracker?"
YES OR NO "Mandy Moore is awesome because she's only 16, and she sings, she acts, she dances, and she's a genetically enhanced cyborg-assassin for the US Government."
YES OR NO "I'm happy that Uncle Kracker will be playing so I'll be able to slip away to the port-o-potty and shoot some smack."
YES OR NO "Tyrese has the sexiest body I've ever seen! First I wanna grab him on the can. Then I wanna rip his shirt off and lick his belly. Then I wanna rub my privates up against his and make some gravy. And then I wanna... what's that? He sings, too? Oh. That's not going to interfere with making gravy, is it?"
YES OR NO "As a white person, I normally hate that horrible, crazy rap music. But I find Young MC and his song Bust a Move to be non-threatening."
YES OR NO "As a white person, I normally hate that horrible, crazy rap music. But I find Ton Loc and his song Funk Cold Medina to be non-threatening."
YES OR NO "As a white person, I normally hate that horrible, crazy rap music. But I find Sir Mix-a-lot and his song Baby Got Back to be non-threatening."
SCORING: Did you answer "Yes" to five or more questions? Then by all means, attend the Last Chance Summer Dance and say hello to the fat, sweaty, shirtless guy next to you waving his can of Schlitz. Did you answer "Yes" to at least three questions? Then just stop by for some gravy with Tyrese and get the hell out of there. Did you answer "Yes" to any of the above? If not, maybe you should reconsider. After all, it's bound to be better than the Northwest Music Festival (and cheaper, too!).