Lesson One: How to Get Laid 

1. You are not allowed to like (even secretly) any of the following bands: Chicago, Boston, or any other group named after a city. 2. Sorry boys, but size counts. If you don't have the goods to back it up, don't keep asking me how much I like your cock. I don't. I am disappointed. 3. Don't kiss your dog on the mouth and then try to kiss me. Sure, we've all heard that the mouth of a canine is cleaner than a human's, but I've yet to see one of my boyfriends eat his own poop. 4. Don't wear lots of gold chains and grow out your pinky nail so you can scoop up cocaine. 5. Don't ask me to put my tongue anywhere you wouldn't put your own. 6. Newsflash: Real boobs are soft. Especially big ones. So don't remove your hand in alarm from my naked flesh. 7. Don't wear those tight little nylon running shorts to the grocery store. Wait a second, don't wear those nylon running shorts at all. 8. Wash your sheets regularly. Under no circumstances do I want to find myself lying on top of any evidence that the "hand in warm water" prank actually works. 9. If you have a problem with jock itch, don't broadcast it by leaving out your ointments and/or sprays. 10. Austin Powers was funny. Your pathetic attempts at saying, "Yeah Baby" in a British accent are not.

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